


Radiance

by ofvanity



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Apocalypse, Canon Character of Color, Coming Out, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Relationship Problems, Tarsus IV, Temporary Character Death, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:16:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1905537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofvanity/pseuds/ofvanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim is stunned for a moment, unsure of what to do, as the transmission continues and then loops over. He stands there for three loops, listening to Fleet Admiral Morrow officially declare continental North America in a State of Emergency.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Radiance

**Author's Note:**

> I had apocafic on the brain for a while and this is the product of that. Sulu's family is composed of half-canon characters, and half-OCs. Yoshiko, Yuki, Hosato and Aiko are canon but Sun, Emi, and his grandfather are not (that i know of). I like the fanon of Hikaru having a bunch of sisters but I also wanted to observe some canon. Other than that, it's basically all canon divergence of AOS canon with deep TOS influences. No spoilers, not really based in either of the AOS movies.
> 
> I had fun with this so I hope you do too. :)

Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with a headache. He fell asleep on his mother’s couch, watching a foreign planet holo after dinner, mostly for the sake of the noise. He came home to spend the holidays with her, unaware that she was off planet visiting Sam and Aurelan. He was disappointed initially but after having some space to spread his legs, he didn’t mind spending the holidays alone.

He wipes the drool off his face and the couch before sitting up. The television is playing something really loud and it sounds like drilling in his head. He glances up at the holo and scrubs a hand over his eyes. There must something wrong with the connection, no holos play static like that anymore.

He grabs his glass of water off the coffee table and gulps from it, trying to dissipate his dehydration. It doesn’t help much but it feels good and it wets his throat. The remote is sitting on the floor beside the coffee table and he grabs it, flipping through the channels for a bit to try and suss out the problem. He doesn’t get far though, he stops on the third channel. Starfleet is broadcasting an emergency signal.

He sets the glass down and raises the volume, standing as if before the admiral he can’t help but to be at attention. “...to curb the spread,” Fleet Admiral Morrow says, “The Federation is officially shutting down all transport stations within continental North America. We deliberated on the matter for some time but as the infection continued to spread, we would like to ensure the safety of all citizens. This is primarily a precautionary step. We ask that you please remain in your homes, the Federation will be dispatching officers to clear the streets, specially equipped to deal with the infected peoples. We ask that all citizens remain calm and refrain from engaging the infected. If you have elderly people or young children and would like to benefit from the added protection...”

Jim is stunned for a moment, unsure of what to do, as the transmission continues and then loops over. He stands there for three loops, listening to Fleet Admiral Morrow officially declare continental North America in a State of Emergency.

In his PADD, there’s already a message waiting for him. The Enterprise is on indefinite shore leave, the entire continent is locked down.

-

Their call is short but it clears a handful of his worries. Bones, Jocelyn and Joanna, his Momma, and his In-Laws are hiding out in a reinforced bunker that his in-laws had built during the last Klingon attack. Equipped to withstand latest weaponry, generate self-sustained solar power, and enough rations to last them ten years, Bones promised Jim nothing could get through the doors even if Jim himself came down to Georgia and knocked politely.

”That’s not exactly a forced to be reckoned with, is it?” Jocelyn had remarked, playfully smiling.

Jim smiled with her, “She’s right.”

Bones fixes them both with an unimpressed eyeroll and then ignores both of their comments. “We’re fine here, Jim. Spock and Nyota are visiting her family in Africa, the Russian kid is, predictably, in Russia, and I don’t think Scotty even got off the Enterprise.”

“Who’s left?” Jocelyn asks, leaning down out of view to pick up and carry Joanna hitched to her hip.

“Sulu,” Jim replies shortly.

“Who’s that?” Joanna asks, unconcerned with Jim’s presence, rather only that the conversation doesn’t seem to involve her.

“My boyfriend,” Jim answers, without hesitation but he can see Bones’ eyebrows climbing.

Joanna tilts her head, “Is he gonna be okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jim,” Bones is already warning, “You’re not going to help him by putting yourself in danger. Stay put in Iowa, Sulu is a master swordsman, I’ve seen him kill things larger than my entire house. He can handle himself and you’re not listening to a single thing I’m saying are you?”

Jim shakes his head shortly, “No.” Instead, he’s mentally packing his bag and wondering in what type of shape his old motorcycle is in.

“Jim,” Jocelyn says calmly, planting Joanna in Bones’ lap to distract him, “Listen to me. Be careful out there. Before Starfleet’s lockdown, the majority of the infection radius was in the Northern Atlantic coast but there was also a concentration of infected in Seattle, and that’s not accounting for outstanding cases. Watch your back constantly. Comm us again as soon as you’ve come into contact with your man.” Bones opens his mouth beside her to cut her off but Jocelyn holds a hand out to silence him. “Godspeed.”

He’s struck for a moment but then he remembers where his keys are. “Likewise. Take care of your family for me.”

Jocelyn grins as Bones starts ranting and terminates the video commlink.

-

It rains a third of the way through Nebraska and Jim figures he could use a break. There’s a gas station rest stop just outside of Oakley that he parks at. He’s bringing food out of the abandoned station to his backpack when he meets an Infected. He’s a small blonde boy and he looks so much like Sam as a kid that it scares him. He’s Sam, if blood dripped down his throat like honey and all he wanted from his life was to kill Jim. Sam, if he hated Jim. Sam, if he was vengeful and violent.

Jim can’t look at him while he does it but he puts the boy down. He doesn’t have time to bury him, but he sets him in a safe place inside the gas station. He clears a space and sets his head down on a pillow of blankets he finds in the backroom. Over the boy, he tapes a sign that says, ‘Please respect’ Just like he hopes other people would do for Sam in the same situation. He promises to comm him, too, once he gets to Sulu.

The rain lets up but for all the dirt and sweat in his eyes, he can’t really tell the difference.

-

He drives restlessly until he knows he needs sleep, somewhere in Wyoming, and sleeps in short bursts in a motel room. He encounters near to no one and he’s not sure if it’s because of the Starfleet imposed lockdown or if it’s because everyone is dead. He hopes its the first.

His writes his first message to Sulu, unsure of what to say or how to phrase it or even if he’s doing the right thing. It’s short at first: _Hey_.

Then he berates himself and lengthens it to: _Hey, is everyone in your family alright?_

Then he decides he needs to say something more. _Hey, Hikaru, look, I’m sorry about what happened. Can we talk? I’m worried about you and your family._

Then: _I’m sorry, Please tell me everyone is okay._

Then: _Fucking fuck_

And of course, being the man that he is, that’s the message he accidentally hits send on.

Jim writes and sends another immediately thereafter. _Hey, I’m sorry about that, I accidentally hit send. Is everything okay on your end? Is your family okay?_

He chews his thumbnail for the entire three minutes it takes for Hikaru to write back.

_We’re fine, Captain._

He listens to his blood pounding in his head for ten minutes, trying to process the cold address of his title from Hikaru. Jim presses his hands into his eyes and reminds himself that Sulu is fully capable of taking care of his family and Jim was stupid to ever think that Sulu cares about him. He’s his superior officer and it seems that’s where their relationship will end from now on.

It weighs so heavily on his chest that he forgets to reply until it’s seven in the morning and he’s getting on his bike again. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but he can’t turn back now. He needs to see Hikaru again.

_I’m on the way._

-

Hikaru is cleaning and reapplying his brother’s bandages when the doorbell rings. It startles Aiko and he almost knocks over their mother’s vial of healing salve. Hikaru cleans his hands on a nearby napkin and orders Aiko to sit down. “Move like that again and rip your stitches,” he promises.

Aiko sits but out of the corner of his eye Hikaru can see Emi heading for the door. He stands up quickly but before he can reach her, his dad is already pulling her back and nodding for Hikaru to open the door. On the couches farthest from Aiko, Yuki and his mother have stopped their card game. Yuki is reaching for her weapon and Hikaru waits for her to advance, removing the barricades so they can open the door.

“Who could it be?” she whispers and Hikaru grunts noncommittally.

It could be any number of people. They have a number of family members that know their grandfather lives in their house and have come to seek refuge. It could be academy friends who know they live here. It could be lost tourists looking for food. “It could be...” Hikaru holds his tongue and instead thinks of his aunt with severe scoliosis and none of her children are trained, “Anyone.”

When they’re ready, he unsheathes his blade and she counts off for him as she moves to open the door, phaser ready. He takes point and counts off with her. At three, Yuki jerks the doors open and Hikaru launches himself at the person in the doorway.

His panic is only slightly abated by the sight of blue eyes. It’s Jim Kirk.

A quick glance around the neighborhood shows no one else in sight. Hikaru stares at Jim for a moment before he realizes Yuki is barking orders at him. He steps back and relinquishes his hold on Jim’s shirt. He gestures to Yuki, “Relax, it’s my Captain.”

“Oh,” Yuki huffs and stands, “I’m sorry. Come on in, Sir.”

Hikaru leads them both inside and busies himself with rebuilding the barricades they’d set up over the door. He doesn’t take the lead and so Yuki decides to introduce herself. “Yuki Sulu, sir, Ensign aboard the U.S.S. Armstrong.”

“Jim Kirk,” Hikaru hears him answer.

“Yuki, help me with this,” Hikaru interrupts.

“Excuse me, Captain Kirk.”

“We’re not aboard any ship now, Yuki. Please, call me Jim.”

“Please excuse me, Jim,” she amends and Hikaru can practically hear her preening.

Jim stands behind them awkwardly and Hikaru can feel his eyes on the back of his neck. Or more likely, his ass. Jim can be transparent as hell sometimes. His mother stands from her position on the couch and already, he can hear himself getting yelled at for not introducing Jim immediately. He rolls his eye internally and stops her in her tracks, leaving Yuki to finish securing the barricade. “Mom, Dad, this is Captain Kirk.” He waves at each of his family members in turn, “Kirk these are my parents. That’s Emi, Aiko, and you met Yuki.”

Jim waves politely and steps forward to shake his mother’s hand. “Jim Kirk,” he repeats like nobody fucking heard him.

“My grandfather and my sister Sun are upstairs.” Hikaru replies and he’s not looking at Kirk anymore, heading back to Aiko and his bandages.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Captain. Please, have a seat,” Hikaru’s mother gestures to one of the many sofa spots available. “Are you hungry? We have plenty of rations, Hikaru assures us this scare will be over soon.”

“No, thank you, I ate before I arrived, Mrs. Sulu.”

“Where are you from, Mr. Kirk?” Hikaru’s dad asks him, sitting next to his mother on the sofa.

Aiko is almost finished, Hikaru is only rubbing homemade salve on his wound to promote healing and deter scarring. His mother made it from the Aloe in her garden, famous in their neighborhood for it’s comprehensive supply. Aiko is squirming but Hikaru already gave him the day’s pain hypo, he’ll have to stomach the rest. “This is what you get for fucking around with the blades.”

Aiko scowls at him but it crumbles into a wince and Hikaru relents. Aiko is only eleven, Hikaru should have been watching him more closely. “’Karu,” he asks, near whisper, “Is that your boyfriend you told me about?”

Hikaru scowls him into silence. No one is paying attention to them, listening to Jim talk about Iowa. “Not that we aren’t grateful for your company, Jim, but why did you come from Iowa to see us? These are very dangerous conditions.”

“I came to make sure you were alright. All of my team is accounted for, except for Hikaru here. And he wasn’t answering my messages, so I figured I’d come out to see you all. I hope I’m not an imposition.”

“Not at all, not at all!” Hikaru’s mom says excitedly, and Emi appears out of nowhere with a tray of protein rations speared with toothpicks like they were cheese slices. “Have some nutrients, you must need some after the distance you traveled.”

“Thank you.”

Yuki, of course, chooses this moment to stick her nose where it most definitely doesn’t belong. “Why weren’t you answering, Hikaru? The comm lines are still functional.”

Hikaru doesn’t spare them a glance, helping Aiko stand up with fresh bandages on his chest. “Busy.”

Aiko winces at the moment and Hikaru briefly debates carrying him. The second wince of pain does it and Hikaru tucks his arm under Aiko’s knees and lifts him easily. “I’m taking Aiko to bed, he needs to keep resting. Yuki, clean up,” and before Jim can think himself slick by offering to volunteer, “Jim, follow me.”

Jim is up instantly, and crossing the room.

“Is that necessary?” his mother scowls, probably glad for the company.

“I figured we’d do a perimeter sweep afterwards. Give Yuki a break,” he replies and is prompted by the discovery that Aiko is falling asleep in his arms. “I’ll be back for dinner.”

-

They take the back way out, weaving between barricades and Hikaru carefully leading Jim around the landmines his father set out in the garden. “Landmines?” Jim asks incredulously.

Sulu shushes him sharply, “Keep your voice down. Yeah, fucking landmines, my dad is a weapons engineer. It’s a fucking miracle that you didn’t step on one on your way up the front. Who does that, by the way? Who rings the goddamn doorbell during a zombie apocalypse?”

Jim hops over the small gate that leads into the back alley, pausing on the opposite side of the gate for Hikaru to jump over it as well. “Well I fucking did it,” he replies breezily.

Hikaru doesn’t spare him a glance, just starts walking off after he lands. Jim follows after him, trying to think of a way to start the conversation again. “Uh,” he stutters, catching up with Sulu, “I didn’t know you had such a big family.”

Sulu ignores his conversation starter and asks instead, “Do you even have a weapon on you besides that bat?”

Jim clutches at the metal bat hanging off his belt. He hasn’t hit many people with it yet, only the ones he’s had to, so it’s still got quite the lifespan. “What’s the matter with my bat?”

Sulu is glancing around, hardly even paying attention to him. “Bats crack. Lose the pop.” He shrugs, “They don’t last long.”

“What about your katana?”

“It’s not a katana.” They’re approaching the end of alley, only a few houses in and Sulu holds out a hand to stop him. “Lets check on the Guerreros,” he gestures to the house on right, with a tall gate.

“Who are the Guerreros?”

Jim follows Hikaru, stopping behind him as he unlocks the door with a key he seemed to be hiding on his person. The insides aren’t barricaded but the gate looks pretty strong and as they navigate the yard, Hikaru steers him through the minefield, so Jim figures the Guerreros are doing alright for themselves. Before they reach the backdoor, Hikaru stops Jim with a hand on his chest. “Don’t mention Starfleet, don’t mention your Captaincy.”

Jim nods, and takes his opportunity to grab Sulu’s wrist, using it as an excuse to keep his attention. “Who are they?”

“People who need our help,” Sulu answers shortly and slips his wrist out of Jim’s grasp. Before Jim can say anything else, Sulu is opening the door.

Mrs. Guerrero is a Starfleet widow, is the first thing Jim learns. There are photos adorning the wall of an Engineering officer, in various poses and with other various people. His distinctive features and dark eyes are evident in the faces of the children in the house, and his absence weighs over them oppressively.

Sulu talks to her like they’ve known each other for years and all her children gaze at him like he put the stars in the sky. Jim knows the look, he’s worn it many times. They check on the Guerrero’s food supplies, weapons, and emergency medical equipment, which they have a lot of. Sulu leaves her a jar filled with some homemade antibiotic ointment, and then they leave.

For yet another minute, Jim thinks he’s made the wrong decision. Sulu is not only handling the affairs of his household but of those who need his help in his neighborhood. He’s fine without Kirk, he might even be happy. Kirk hasn’t asked.

His thoughts are cut short by a group of infected coming down a few blocks over Sulu’s street. Jim and Hikaru can see them in the distance but they’re not walking especially quickly. There’s only two, which is reason to believe there aren’t many around at all. The two of them are silent for a moment, watching the infected move slowly. Jim’s carrying a phaser, too. The weight of it used to be a comfort but these days it feels like a condemnation.

“Do you have somewhere we can bury them?”

Sulu glances at him and starts walking towards the infected. “Should we even be touching them?”

“I don’t know,” Jim answers, sliding his bat back into it’s position on his belt, “What have you done with the ones you’ve put down?”

“I buried them.”

Fighting the infected isn’t a physical difficulty. They are slower, uncoordinated, easily distracted. They’re almost helpless. And that’s what makes it horrible, Jim thinks. He watches Hikaru unsheathe a smaller blade, round the man, and sink the knife into his soft skull. The fight is over in less than ten seconds and Sulu helps the infected man fall to the ground with not a single brutal gesture.

They are still ravenous, and they will still kill those who let themselves.

The other infected man is yard or two away from them, slowly ambling forward. “Do you have a phaser at all?”

Hikaru nods, retracting the blade. “Only two. I leave them for my parents to defend themselves in the instance that Yuki--” he stops himself and leaves the sentence hanging.

Jim doesn’t push it. Instead he approaches and sets his phaser to stun. The man crumples and Jim reaches out to catch him just in time. With the man unconscious, Jim removes his hunting knife from his belt and pierces the man’s brain, swift and quiet. There’s hardly any blood.

Hikaru lifts the man he put down and motions for Kirk to do the same. They walk a few blocks in silence, except for their huffing breaths, until they come to a small public park. By then, the man in Kirk’s arms has bled all over his clothes and his hands. There’s nothing to be done about it.

The park has been converted to a cemetery with stones adorning the graves as indicators. Each grave has a sprouting plant in the center. The each dig a grave, about three feet deep and two feet wide. They are by no account shallow but they can’t afford to spend too much time making them deeper. By the time they’re finished, the sun is setting.

Jim pulled his shirt off during the digging and slings it over his shoulder. Hikaru comes to stand next to him, at the foot of both graves, which are side by side. His button down shirt is open and flaps in the wind as he talks. It’s hot enough still that the shirts bother them during physical labor. “I’ll put something over each of them tomorrow.”

Their hands are both grimy with blood and dirt but when Jim reaches out to take Sulu’s hand, Hikaru hesitates before his hand slips away.

They’re silent on the walk home.

-

When Jim is finished showering, he waddles towards Hikaru’s room with a towel tied precariously around his hips but pauses at the door because he hears voices. Yuki is inside and Jim only hears the tail end of the conversation but he recognizes it immediately. He’s had them countless times with Janice, with Bones, with Scotty and Uhura, Yuki is giving her report of the day, relaying their ration count, what happened in the house while they were away, the condition of their grandfather. There is a brief pause and for a second Jim thinks he’s been made but then Hikaru is relaying orders to her.

“Sun can use sage from the garden to make tea, have her make a cup for everyone in the house but keep a pot of it with Aiko in the room with Grandpop. Aiko will take her position tomorrow, he’s too slow to take with me anywhere while he’s injured. Sun will resume her combat lessons at 0800 and I don’t want to hear her complaining. Have them on the ground floor so Emi can watch, too.”

Yuki assents quickly and Hikaru continues. “Jim and I killed two infected today, sector A. Tomorrow, I am taking him back to the Enterprise and afterwards, I will adorn the graves. I’ll be back around 0900. We’ll talk then.”

Yuki assents again and Jim scrambles back to the bathroom but it’s too late. Yuki is at the door and opens it to see Jim looking frazzled and dripping everywhere. She glances back at Hikaru for a moment, smirks knowingly and then leaves quickly.

Hikaru appears at the doorway too and casts him an unimpressed look. “Tryna romance my sister, Kirk?”

Jim’s grip on the towel twists and he follows Hikaru back into the room. He shuts the door behind him and locks it, “Not the Sulu family member I was trying to impress.”

“Then it’s a good thing you won’t get near any of them.”

Jim sheds the towel and dries out his hair. Hikaru hardly spares him a glance, reclining on his bed and checking his PADD messages. “The doctor is asking about you. He said you promised to comm him when you got here.”

Jim groans exasperatedly, pulling his boxers on. “I’m naked in your bedroom and you’re talking about Bones?”

“You could get dressed in the bathroom, then you wouldn’t have to suffer through my conversation topics.”

“I’ll suffer for you instead,” Jim replies earnestly, pulling a threadbare black t-shirt over his head.

“Are you serious?” Hikaru asks, sitting up.

“What,” Jim says, surprised by the sudden shift.

Hikaru scowls at him, annoyed, “Shut _up_ , Kirk. I didn’t ask you to come out here or to change in here or even to come to this planet. I didn’t even initiate our first conversation ever so you need to get out of here with that Charming Jim Kirk Earnest Son of A Bitch Bullshit.”

Jim opens his mouth to respond but closes it again. He has no idea where to even begin or which part of Hikaru’s insults to address. “Fuck, you got me.”

Hikaru looks shocked for a moment and then disappointed. The silence hangs over them for a long minute and Hikaru lays back down, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Why did you?”

Jim sits on the edge of the bed, allowing the dread to solidify in his stomach. “Why did I come here, you mean?”

Hikaru nods solemnly.

Jim shrugs, “You’re on my crew.” Hikaru is silent and Jim takes it as an invitation to keep talking, “I was looking out for you. I wanted to bring you more supplies. Or see if I could help. No one else was left exposed like you were. No one stopped me. It’s snowing in Iowa.” Jim rubs a hand through his wet hair, and the words just fall away from him. “I was alone.”

“I’ll take you to the Starfleet campus tomorrow. The cadets are on lockdown so you might find someone to fuck there.”

“Hikaru.”

“Jim,” Hikaru says and his voice cracks into something between laughter and asphyxiation. “What do you want from me? We’re done okay, I get it, I know the drill.” His voice steadies again, “I know I never should have started sleeping with you but I learned my goddamn lesson. When the lockdown is over, I’m requesting a transfer, alright. You win, all strings cut, soon we’ll never have to fucking see each other again.”

“Is that really what you want?”

“Don’t you?” Hikaru looks at him like Jim might be stupid.

He tugs angrily at his hair and sighs. “If that’s what you want to do, I’ll sign the forms.”

-

Dinner is small and quiet with the presence of Sulu’s grandfather. Jim answers some polite question about Starfleet, tells an anecdote or two about Bones and Spock, and excuses himself. He’s sharing Hikaru’s room for the night, on the bed while Hikaru insists he has to take the cot otherwise his mother will kick him out.

Flipping through his PADD, he checks his messages. He’s got a handful from Bones, yelling about where is he and what he’s doing and then a calmer single line message: _did you talk to him?_

Jim replies, _he’s applying for a transfer when the lockdown is over._

_Damit jim what the hell are you gonna do you miserable bastard_

_Let him go i guess. If he wants to leave what else can i do_

The next message is clearly from Jocelyn, _Did you tell him why you actually went out to SF? Did you actually say some real shit instead putting all your faith in your charms?_

He doesn’t reply immediately and he knows that’s answer enough for Jocelyn. The next one he gets is from Bones: _Well jimbo she got you there. Think it thru young blood. Why go all the way out there if you werent gonna put your money where your damn mouth is_

Jim sighs and closes their thread. Instead, he messages his mom and Sam to tell them not to worry about him, he’s faring fine during the lockdown. Sam’s reply is instant: _youre on earth?_

Jim rolls his eyes and closes that thread, too. He messages Uhura to let her know he’s doing fine and Hikaru’s doing fine and forwards the same message to Chekov. Uhura replies with a polite if not formal message that practically bleeds Spock’s influence all over it and Chekov replies with a telling sentence. _I am well aware of your status and location, Captain. Thank you for contacting me._

_What has your BFF been telling you about me?_

_Only that you are visiting Captain_

_He said visiting?_

_Hikaru’s exact words were,“The Captain is visiting.”_

Jim isn’t sure what about the message strikes him as a lie but it bothers him anyway. Of course, there’s no way he can prove it, but he’s aware of where Chekov’s loyalties lie. And via messaging there’s no way he can break him to find out what Hikaru is thinking. He closes the thread instead.

He messages Scotty asking after his whereabouts and he receives a long winded message on the state of the Scottish winter that he doesn’t have the energy to read after such a long day. He skims it and learns that Scotty is on the Enterprise anyway, which is just so like him. He’s rubbing his eyelids when Hikaru comes in.

It’s been a long day and he doesn’t think about it much before he messages Sulu. Across the room, Hikaru picks up his PADD while simultaneously taking off his shirt. In the glow of the PADD light, he frowns. He reads it and then drops it back onto the cot. They are totally silent for a while before Hikaru speaks again, “Don’t worry, you’ll find another pilot to care about.”

-

In the morning, before they leave, Hikaru has a conversation in hushed Japanese with his parents. Jim is pretending to tie his shoes and get his stuff together: he knows when he’s not welcome but he’s trying his best to discern what it is they’re saying to each other. As it goes, his Japanese is limited to ordering in restaurants and they are not talking about food. The conversation heats up and Sulu scowls to the end of it. He turns on his heel and heads back upstairs, motioning for Jim to follow with a single aborted gesture.

Jim heads after him and flashes a nervous grin to Emi on her way down the stairs. She doesn’t seem to notice him but it’s probably because she’s still half-asleep, stumbling and holding onto the railing for dear life.

In their room, Hikaru grabs Jim’s bag from the floor and opens it. In one swift movement, he dumps it headfirst onto the bed and announces, “You’re staying here until the lockdown is over.”

And that’s that.

-

From then on, Jim wanders around the house without Hikaru. He spends some time with Yuki and Sun as they spar and meets Emi. She’s only eight years old and Jim can see it in her face when she talks to him about inconsequential things like her favorite activities, which include painting and gardening with her mom. She wears a gold ring on her ring finger with an Asian language character on it. Jim asks her what it stands for and Emi shrugs. “I can’t read Japanese.”

“Neither can I,” Jim replies, emphatically.

“Yeah she can,” Yuki interrupts, grabbing the bottle of water on the ground next to them and squirting some over her head and into her mouth. She gulps and then pants through the rest of the conversation, “But only when she wants to. She might not be able to read that but put symbols for stuff like candy and ice cream and she can read them just fine.”

“Do you speak it?”

Yuki shrugs, “Well enough. It pisses off my mom though because I don’t speak her language as well. She’s Mongolian.”

“Oh, cool.” Jim does his best to seem casual but it comes out strained somehow. “What about Sulu?”

She fixes him a look like he’s dumb, “Which of the eight of us living in this house?”

“Oh,” Jim chuckles uncomfortably, “Hikaru.”

“Oh my god, that fucker speaks Mongolian, Japanese, Standard, Korean, and fuck knows what else. Don’t even talk to me about that son of a bitch,” she continues but it has no bite.

Behind her, Sun appears and this is the first time they’ve actually met. She’s wearing all black work out clothes and with her hair pulled up high, she looks just as precise and dangerous as Hikaru. She’s beautiful and it strikes Kirk that Hikaru is beautiful in that way, too.

“Just because he’s the favorite,” she chimes in.

“Nuh-uh, I’m the favorite,” Emi protests.

“But he’s the oldest, he’s like the Can-Do-No-Wrong-King.”

“I’m sure that’s not the case,” Jim says, treading lightly.

Yuki nods in agreement with him, readjusting her ponytail. “It’s just kind of how it turned out. Hikaru was there first. Dad’s Japanese, Mom’s Mongolian, they met in Korea, and Hikaru was the first to come along. They just dumped all the languages on him. Besides, I understand Mongolian, too, I just can’t reply as much as I can in Japanese. And that’s only because I have no friends that speak Mongolian, so suck it.”

“How old are you?” Jim wonders out loud.

“I’m eight,” Emi interrupts helpfully.

“He meant me,” Sun argues, and planting herself ungracefully on Emi’s lap. “I’m sixteen.”

“I’m twenty-one,” Yuki replies, ignoring the other two, seemingly understanding that he was actually referring to her. “Hikaru is twenty-four, Aiko is eleven.”

Jim whistles lowly, “There’s a lot of you Sulus.”

Sun grins, somehow having traded places with Emi in the last thirty seconds so Emi is sitting in her lap. “And I’m the favorite.”

-

When the sun starts setting, they all sit down to dinner, save for Hikaru’s grandpop. Jim has learned Grandpop Sulu is sick with old age, which largely leaves him bedridden on most days. At dinner, Sulu concedes the center of attention to his father and in a lot of ways, it terrifies Jim. He’ seen Sulu command the house with a flick of his wrist and a stern gaze. His sisters scatter in the face of it, his brother stands a bit straighter.

It even makes Jim’s stomach twist with tension, the way that looking at holos of his dad does. Or the way he feels when he can see Bones in Joanna’s face or in the ways she talks or frowns. Like he’s holding an egg in a spoon and trying to cross a minefield with his eyes closed. Like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

And it’s gone in another instant, with a hand on his shoulder, catching his attention. Sulu’s dad clears his throat and Hikaru’s shoulders sag back into his chair like he can’t carry them for another minute.

Dinner is largely composed of protein rations but Sulu’s mother, who Jim has learned is named Yoshiko and requests being called as such, rations out some raspberries for everyone. She’s been growing a few bushes in their backyard for years and freezes the supply to stretch it well into winter after harvesting. Jim thanks the heaven and earth for the pure serendipitous occasion because protein rations taste like stale bread and raspberries are one of the few berries he’s not allergic to.

It tastes sour and sweet and every bit awesome, bursting over his tongue like rain drops. He inadvertently catches Sulu’s eye at the end of the table and watches him lick a drop of the juice of his lips. Jim curses himself for staring and looks away.

If he’s going to stay in Sulu’s house, the least he could do is force his self-preservation to kick in.

-

The days pass blurred together with dinners, slow patrols, gardening, and combat training. Jim has a routine of sorts. Hikaru will be awake during the graveyard shift and Jim will wake up at dawn to relieve him. He takes a run around the neighborhood as his first patrol, usually without any weapons. Jim hardly ever sees infected and when he does, he’s perfectly capable of fashioning a weapon from random objects. On the foggier mornings, he forgoes the run all together.

Most days, he’s back around the time that Yuki wakes up. He showers while she’s on watch and when he’s dressed, they train Emi and Sun to fight. Aiko is mostly absent these days, wandering from the kitchen to his grandfather’s room, always chewing on something and healing slowly. Sometimes he’ll sit on the top of the stairs and watch them train, staring longingly. Jim’s been monitoring his sutures, he’ll need at least another week of rest.

Hikaru usually wakes up after they all train, around noon. They all have a small lunch and Hikaru takes Yuki or Sun out for patrol. While they’re gone, Jim is on watch. Sometimes he reads, sometimes he sends Bones text messages, sometimes he helps Grandpa Sulu navigate the house, but mostly he’s quiet and out of the way. He cleans up after himself, does the dishes after dinner, cleans his weapons and takes off his shoes before coming inside. He learns the Sector map by memory and keeps his mouth shut.

Hikaru will ignore him for the most part. He’ll pass the peas, the raspberries, he’ll tell Jim it’s raining, he’ll take Jim with him on silent patrols, and wake him up in the morning sometimes. He’ll leave books on the floor by the bed for Jim but ignore him. And the tension between them is in every move they make, carefully executed around the distance they keep. It’s precise and they move through the house as if on orbit.

Sun and Jim are sitting at a park a few blocks from their house, a different park than the one they bury infected at, Sector C Park. She’s on the swings, her sword on the floor beside the swingset. She’s kicking into the dirt and making little dust clouds when she starts, speech cutting with the power of her bravery.

“Jim, you’re gay, right?”

Jim is flabbergasted and it translates into laughter somehow because suddenly he’s laughing and doubling over with tears in his eyes. But once he’s started, the ache in the pit of his stomach throbs and he knows he’s not laughing joyfully. He stops himself then, because he can’t imagine what his manic laughter must sounds like. He straightens and clears his eyes with the back of his hand. “Yes,” he says, through the last of the chuckles. “Kind of. I’m pansexual, Sun.”

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” he assures quickly, “No, not at all, I was just surprised.” He clears his throat and sets his jaw to relax his face. “I’m sorry, were you going to ask me something?”

Sun kicks her foot into the dirt. “Uh, yeah, but you can’t laugh at me.”

“Oh, no way, Sun, I wouldn’t laugh at you ever.”

Sun glances at him and sighs at him. “Okay. I think I am too,” she says cryptically and then kicks off on the swing.

Jim watches her swing back and forth, extending her legs with every dive forward and bending them on the way back to build momentum. His thoughts catch up with him finally and he feels like an asshole for laughing. “What makes you think that?”

Sun shrugs, “Stuff from the past. A girlfriend or two. You know, the usual coming of age story stuff about the locker rooms.”

“Well, okay. I mean, it’s okay you know. It’s totally normal to want to experiment or to explore sexuality.” Jim pauses, considering his place on the spectrum for the millionth time, “I have an inclination towards men, on most days. And that’s fine if you want to set parameters for yourself, that’s totally cool. What’s important, is, uh,” Jim tries to think of encouraging things to say, “Uh, what’s important is that you’re comfortable and be safe. And safe uh, you know, safe sex, that’s important. ” When he looks up, Sun is smiling at him fondly, having stopped her swinging, “What?”

“Jim, that’s not really what I’m worried about. I’m young, I’m not dumb.”

“I didn’t say--”

“What I mean is that I’m aware of, like, fluid sexualty and scales and safety and all of that. I mean, I’m doing alright on that front. That’s not why I brought this up.”

“Okay, uh,” Jim shakes his head, confused, “Then what’s going on?”

“I,” Sun stands off the swing and heads for the weapons. “Let’s walk and talk.” Jim nods minutely and trails after her. They’re about half a mile away from the house, easily a ten minute walk. “I’ve been thinking about coming out.” She pauses and Jim waits for her to continue, “Maybe only to Hikaru. But I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet.”

“Wow,” Jim replies. “That’s a big step, you should definitely think it over.”

“Yeah, and I don’t know, I was hoping you could tell me your opinion? What was it like when you came out to Hikaru?”

Jim chews his lip thoughtfully, searching for how to answer her question properly. “Uh,” he stalls for time, “it’s kind of complicated.” Jim supposes the first time he technically came out to Sulu is when he came into his room in the middle of the night. They’d nearly died together for the fifth time in a row and the away missions were taking all his fight out of him, but Sulu kept him going, dragging him through foreign deserts and tundras alike, with pure determination in his eyes, like pure fight and fire.

Jim is self destructive more often than not but stepping into Sulu’s room that night didn’t feel like destruction, it felt like a life raft. He kissed Hikaru first, touching the small hairs at the back of his neck, one knee pressing his legs apart. The sex was silent and frantic, punctuated by their muted groans and bites, the urgency of need. Jim had to leave afterwards, because Chekov would be off-shift soon, but it wasn’t their last time. The cowardice of darkness and absence worked for them for a few weeks. Death-defying stunts followed by hair pulling and quick fucks in empty conference rooms.

Until.

“It wasn’t like he could express any kind of disdain towards me, I’m his captain after all. But at the same time, I don’t think his demeanor changed at all towards me. It didn’t matter to him,” Jim pretends not to hear the wavering in his own voice. “He doesn’t care, I think.” Jim clears his throat and tries to remember that this isn’t about him. “I don’t know, Sun. Your brother isn’t really talkative.”

“You think you could tell him for me?”

Jim is shaken out of his own thoughts. “You want me to tell him?”

“Yeah, just as like a primer. If he really doesn’t mind, then I’ll come out to him right after. But if he loses it, we’ll pretend it didn’t happen and move on. I won’t ever have to face him!”

“Sun.”

“Oh, Jim, please,” she whines, tugging on his arm like a child, which Jim can’t fault her for because she’s only sixteen. “Please, it’ll work. I don’t want to face him if he’s going to hate me.”

“No, listen, Sun, it’ll be fine. I’ll come with you, okay, and you can come out to him and one thousand percent guarantee you he won’t freak out, okay? It’ll be fine.”

“Jim,” Sun complains, stretching the vowel.

“Hey,” he stops her and makes her turn around to look at him. “He’s not going to hate you. Trust me. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Sun glances at the sky, then around at the empty road they’re walking down and suddenly, shoots forward to hug him. She doesn’t cry, but Jim thinks that if she did, he might not be extremely awkward about comforting her. Instead, they hug and Jim is glad he came out here to bother Hikaru, if only just because he could help Sun achieve this sliver of peace.

-

They talk to Hikaru a couple days later, after everyone has gone to bed and the house is dark with street lamp light filtering softly through the boarded windows. Hikaru is tense, Jim can see it in his shoulders, but he doesn’t look too long for fear of the weight returning to the pit of his stomach. Sun twists her hands uncomfortably and sits down in front of Hikaru, next to Jim.

Hikaru glances at him and then Sun, “Alright, what’s going on?”

“Sun has something she wants to tell you,” Jim replies, albeit cryptically.

Hikaru glares at him under his furrowed brow, “So why are you here?”

Sun jumps to his defense, placing a hand on his knee. “I asked him to be here, Hikaru.”

Hikaru’s glare deepens, “What is going on?”

Jim looks at Sun, expecting her to speak but she doesn’t, he puts a hand on her back and rubs it encouragingly. Hikaru looks furious all of a sudden, the way he looks when the shields are on the verge of failing, and before Kirk can investigate it, Hikaru is seething. “Is this what you came here for? To get back at me through my family?”

“What?” Sun asks, seemingly snapping back into her body.

Jim, being the eloquent charming person he is, can’t think of anything to say that won’t dig him deeper and sits there with his mouth open. Sun doesn’t even look at him but her is expression is changing to fury akin to Hikaru’s. “I came to tell you something important about me and the first thing you do is make it about him? Really? You’re not gonna let me get a word in first? Seriously?”

Hikaru stares at her for a second, partially caught off guard, but largely left without argument. He sighs and his entire body relaxes again. Jim’s never seen anything like it but it reminds him of how Hikaru is around his father.

“What is it?”

Sun, still in her fire, snaps back without bite, “I’m gay.”

“Oh, thank god,” Hikaru replies, relief flooding his face, “Really?”

“Yeah.”

”Oh,” he says and then what he said before seems to sink into him, deflating his shoulders. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Please, please, let’s start all over. Tell me everything that’s on your mind, this is great, I’m really proud of you.”

Sun crumples, too and then flings herself across their space to hug him. “You aren’t mad?” she asks into his shirt.

Hikaru catches her effortlessly, probably from years of practice, and cradles her head into his chest. “Sun, I’m gay, too.”

She pulls back from his chest, startled. “What? Really?”

“Yep.”

“Oh,” she says and wipes at her eyes. Then she rounds on Jim, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jim, who had spent the last minute or so inspecting his fingernails, shoots his head up. “What?”

“Did you know about Hikaru?”

“Uh, kind of? But it’s not my place to speak for him, Sun. Just like it wasn’t my place to speak for you. And just like it’s not my place to even be sitting here right now.” Jim stands and makes an awkward gesture towards the kitchen, “So I’ll be in there. Let me know when you guys are going to sleep, I can take first watch if you want.”

Before either of them can answer, he steps over a chair and lightly jogs into the kitchen. It’s dark, except for the street light glow from the alley. Jim hefts himself onto the kitchen counter and watches the alley lights flicker. The bathroom light was flickering earlier, too, there might be a problem with their electricity. Or perhaps it’s the lack of upkeeping.

Maybe tomorrow they can see about stabilizing the electric grid in the area. Or maybe tomorrow, the Federation will get on the public comm channels and announce that this depravity has ended. That the lockdown is over and everyone can move on with a vaccine and some sugarcubes. That Jim can get back up in the sky and fucking warp until his body doesn’t retain memories of these dimensions. The darkness in Sulu’s house doesn’t flicker, it doesn’t flinch, doesn’t bend, Jim can’t wait to shake it off and pretend he never walked into Sulu’s room that night six months ago.

Maybe then he’ll stop feeling like he’s losing his life raft.

-

Jim wakes up on the bed in Hikaru’s room with tree branches scratching at the windows. It reminds him of the wind howling in Iowa. He showers until his skin is rubbed raw and eats only a pear from breakfast. He sits at the foot of the bed, chewing methodically like the crunching is inside his brain and thinks of packing his bags, maybe. He could leave all his food for the Sulus and head for Starfleet HQ. Or back to Iowa. Or maybe Bones could open the door to his bunker. Maybe the bunker has a catflap.

The Sulu’s don’t need him.

-

Emi is teaching Jim and Aiko how to weave baskets when Bones sends him a text message. It reads: _Getting along with the Sulu family good enoguh kid?_

Jim debates lying to him but then replies _, Good enough sure. Sulu’s sister is teaching me to basket weave. be ready to have a new basket for each n every one of you hypo kits and medical shit_

_Medical shit? You mean equipment that you have no hope of understanding their basic functions_

_What? Of course i do, pointy end at the patient_

_Like I said hopeless_.

Jim sets his comm down and resumes working on the basket. It’s oddly soothing to work on, even if every thirty seconds Emi reaches over and tightens his pattern. Aiko is doing significantly better than either of them expected and when he’s finished, he tosses it in the air. “Done. Next crafts hobby.”

Emi frowns at him. “The only other thing in the house is knitting and I cut my fingers too much. Ask Mom.”

Aiko shakes his head and then gestures for Jim to help him stand up. “Nope, I can already sew, ‘Karu was teaching me on my sutures, it was awesome.”

Jim furrows at his brow at him, “You learned medical sutures on your own stitches? Shouldn’t you be treating them with care or something?”

Aiko shrugs and lifts his shirt to show Jim. “There’s no real point in them anymore. Hikaru said I could take them off tomorrow. And then I can ride on your bike, right?”

“What did Hikaru say?”

Aiko frowns and he looks startlingly like his father. “He said that I could!”

Jim shrugs, “The fine. Get your stitches out, and then we’ll go. Until then, I am going to be here, basket weaving.”

“Badly,” Emi adds as Aiko walks away.

“But I’m trying!” Jim tells her, jokingly, “And so you shouldn’t criticize me.”

Emi laughs at his expression, relenting. “Okay okay Jim, I’m sorry. Do you need help?”

They spend the afternoon bantering with each other until dinner time. Yuki and Sulu return from their evening patrol with bags full of canned pork and beans from a new family that joined their rotation, the Smiths. “They insisted, and I seriously was dumbfounded. They scavenged a supermarket in the outer suburbs, they bought in bulk before this even started. I think they’re way more prepared than we are. I didn’t even know what to say,” Hikaru tells them, shrugging the bag off his shoulder onto the kitchen table. “I just promised I’d look out for them.”

”Do they have children?” Hikaru’s dad asks.

Hikaru shakes his head and glances at Jim for a second longer than usual. When he speaks, he’s not looking at anyone. “They are Tarsus IV survivors.”

Jim never told Hikaru about Tarsus IV, but it’s inevitable that he knows. It was all in the news, his name is on the survivor’s list, the history of the conflict is taught at the Academy, plus there’s rumors surrounding him all the time. And it lives him, he thinks. It’s written on Jim’s face, in his gait and inscribed inside his ribs, it’s in his eyes and the tattoo he was given hasn’t faded enough yet.

The thing that sticks the most in Jim’s throat is that Hikaru probably only knows because he’s seen the tattoo. It’s high on the back of his neck, _A1701_ in scratchy, cheap ink. Most people can only see it when his hair is freshly cut. Hikaru has had plenty occasion to catch a glimpse.

“How do you know?” Hikaru’s mom asks.

Yuki steps in, coming around from behind him and starts rummaging through the bag. “We asked why they are so prepared and they told us about it.”

“Oh god,” Hikaru’s mom sits down at the kitchen table, one hand over her mouth in awe. “That must have been awful. Hikaru, how could you take anything from them!”

“Mom, they tried to give me a replicator! They insisted! They said it’s like payment for adding them to our patrol.”

Yoshiko launches into a solemn speech in a language that Jim doesn’t recognize, but because it’s not Japanese or Korean, he assumes it must be Mongolian. Yuki and Sun work around their conversation, storing food and talking quietly about what they’re planning for dinner.

Jim heads back into the living room and finds Emi has gone off, probably in some other craft related pursuit and left Jim’s unfinished basket on the coffee table. He leaves it behind and heads upstairs, feeling the throbbing in his head escalate with every step on the stairs.

He makes it all the way to the room before he hears Hikaru calling after him.

“Oh, hey,” Jim says casually and his headache is the only pain that belies his confidence. He’s almost proud of that. “I didn’t hear you, what’s up?”

“Can we talk?” Hikaru asks, closing the door behind him.

Jim nods, and deep down, probably further down than he’s usually willing to internalize information, he knew this would happen. “It’s okay, don’t worry, I figured I’d skip town tomorrow anyway.”

“What?”

”Well, yeah, I mean, Aiko wants to take a ride on my bike with me so I figured it would be okay if I stayed until then and just left when you’re on the watch shift. And don’t worry about the food, I’ll hit a market in the suburbs on my way out of California,” he turns back to the dresser. “Did you want me to go now instead?”

He doesn’t answer immediately and Jim holds his breath. He wanted to finish his basket and leave it for Emi. And give Aiko a chance to ride the motorcycle. Or finish teaching Sun how to tuck and roll properly. It’s not fair, their last session had been interrupted.

“No,” Hikaru says finally. “That’s not what I came up to talk to you about.”

“Oh,” Jim says and there’s nothing in his voice. “What’s the matter then?’

“I wanted to thank you for helping Sun with whatever she needed to come talk to me. I know it must’ve put you in a difficult position and I appreciate it.”

“How many times did you rehearse that?” Jim asks with a cocky grin. Sulu is practically wriggling and Jim loves it.

“Only a handful of times,” Sulu confesses, then runs a hand through his hair and chuckles, “It’s not that long.”

“It’s not,” Jim agrees, laughing with him. “But it’s cool. I mean, I’m sure you would’ve done the same if the situation were reversed.”

Sulu crosses the room and sits on the bed beside him, throwing himself back and spreading out. “You think Sam would’ve come to me?”

Jim shrugs, “Maybe for research on xenobiology. He’s big on the independence. Also, heterosexuality. Or at least that’s all I’ve ever known him to express.”

Sulu grunts noncommittally but adds nothing. He shifts on the bed and sits up, turning to partially face Jim. “Listen, about downstairs.”

Jim almost protests but Hikaru said to listen so instead he just shuts his mouth.

Hikaru continues, “I didn’t mean in any way to surprise you or upset you or anything like that. I should’ve warned you somehow, it’s not okay for that shit to just slide and I’m sorry.” He sighs, “Are you okay?”

Jim nods and the throbbing in the back of his head doesn’t weaken his smile an inch. “I’m fine, just sick of shore leave, you know? And like the routine. Why don’t you have a replicator again,” Jim whines, steering the conversation away from that particular topic.

Sulu smiles wryly at the ground, almost like he’s embarrassed. “My parents think that it’ll fry our brains or give us some incurable disease or something, I don’t know. Being on the Enterprise spoiled me, though, I could go for some fucking Andorian food so bad, it’s killing me.”

“Holy fucking shit, yes,” Jim throws himself back onto the bed and Hikaru follows. “Or some lemon meringue pie. Like the real shit, not the lemon meringue flavored protein squares. What kind of shit is that even?” Hikaru opens his mouth to answer but Jim cuts him off, “I’ll tell you, it’s a crime against humanity!”

Hikaru laughs and the sound of it rings in Jim’s ears.

Tree branches scratch the window.

-

The next morning, when Jim comes down for breakfast, Aiko is wearing a hoodie and a leather jacket over it. He’s got Aviators on and looks entirely nonplussed while Hikaru removes his stitches. Jim walks over to them and glances down at Hikaru’s work. Aiko shifts his shades down to look up at Jim, “Are you ready or what?”

Jim can’t contain it anymore and busts out laughing, “Ready for what? What are you wearing even?”

“My old leather jacket finally fits him,” Hikaru replies, “He thinks he’s the belle of the goddamn ball.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Aiko,” Jim says, rounding him to grab the shades off his face. “I’m the belle of the ball.” Jim slides the aviators on and shoots a finger gun at him. “Everywhere I go.”

Aiko rolls eyes but Jim is too on top of the world to care.

In the kitchen, Sun and Emi are having breakfast with their parents. Jim sits at the table and reaches for some food. Yoshiko stops him with a hand on his wrist and reaches out to ease the sunglasses off his face. It feels uncomfortable at first but when they’re gone, she smiles at him and says, “I wouldn’t want you to trip over something, son.”

Jim feels the back of his neck heat and he tries to subdue the blush as much as possible. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” she dismissed quickly, “Here, do you prefer spinach or broccoli?”

“Sorry?”

“The winter garden is blooming some pretty nice greenery. They pretty much grow themselves!” Hikaru’s dad, Hosato, Jim remembers suddenly and internalizes, “Which do you prefer?”

Jim stutters through an answer and spinach is generously deposited onto his plate. Emi watches him strangely and then tilts her head, “Aren’t you gonna try it?”

“Absolutely,” Jim replies breezily and he’s never been prouder of himself.

He spears a few leaves with a fork and goes to town. There’s hints of garlic and salt, which help Jim stomach it. Everyone returns to their own meals and conversations and he’s grateful for it, taking his time to chew and make all the displeased faces he pleases. Luckily, it doesn’t last.

Hikaru appears, steals his plate despite his mother’s commands in Mongolian, which Jim can tonally identify now, and talks through his food, “What, he was like finished already, we gotta go, anyway. We’re going for the morning patrol. Mom, I can’t even argue with you, this spinach is so dope, holy shit.”

Yoshiko scolds him a few times, switches languages to scold him further and then relents. Hosato glances at the two of the over his PADD and rolls his eyes good-naturedly.

“Where are you going?” Sun asks, standing to rinse her fork in the sink, having dropped it a minute ago.

“Patrol,” Hikaru sighs, finishing the last of the spinach. “Wanna come?”

“No.”

“Good, you’re not invited,” he sets the plate in the sink and claps a hand on Jim’s shoulder on the way out, “Let’s go, Kirk.”

-

Their patrol is slow this morning, even leisurely. Hikaru takes him through a winding path of the neighborhood, further than Jim has ever gone with him. They come to a third little park, hidden between two houses that is little more than swings and a toddler-size jungle gym. They stop there for a second, for some water. The weather is hot enough that they sit comfortably for a while without worrying about the cold.

Hikaru passes Jim a flask and Jim shakes his head. “It’s a little early, no?”

“It’s water, genius,” Hikaru replies.

“Hey,” Jim objects, “I may not solve warp speed equations like your best friend but I can solve them if you give me like a pen, for starters.”

Hikaru doesn’t reply, just removes the bag over his shoulder and sets beside the bench they’re sitting on. “You know what I can’t figure out, though?” Jim continues, “Where the hell is everyone?”

“What do you mean?” Hikaru asks around a mouthful of pear.

“Yeah, like the neighborhood is empty but Starfleet ordered a lockdown. Shouldn’t there be more people?”

Hikaru glares at him for a second and it’s definitely because the sun is in his eyes but Jim doesn’t mind. “You really were out of it weren’t you? Where were you when you found out about the lockdown?”

Jim shrugs, “At my mom’s house. I woke up and the emergency message was playing on the only functioning channel. I was on my own, my mom is visiting Sam and Aurelan off-world.”

“Oh. We were gearing up when it started. But before that, it’d been going for weeks. The Federation and the North Am governments were coordinating shelter programs. Anybody that was medically cleared and intelligent enough to watch the news, got the fuck out of course. But as far as I can tell, everyone that is missing in the neighborhood either went off world, off continent or straight to the Starfleet camps to live there under guard.”

”There’s no way they have the resources for that.”

“Even if they don’t, panic was spreading. If they didn’t do something, shit was gonna get real. Plus, there was donations from planets all across the Alpha quadrant.”

“Why didn’t your family leave? I can guess the Guerreros and the others that stay, everyone has a reason. What’s yours?”

“My dad’s Japanese, Jim. And my grandfather. Why do you think they would oppose running to a closed off camp that is supposed to protect people?”

Jim sips at the water and watches the wind push the empty swings. “I didn’t want to assume anything.”

“Mmm.”

“So have we gone far out enough that you’re comfortable with Aiko and I riding the bike now?”

“Probably. But if you think you’re taking my kid brother on a bike ride during a zombie apocalypse without me, you’re just flat out wrong.”

From the park entrance, the gate for the park swings open and an infected woman appears, walking towards them. Her leg is clearly broken, bent at the shin, but she’s shuffling forward regardless of it. Jim glances at Hikaru who is chewing patiently on his pear.

”Please, don’t get up,” Jim chides and reaches for the phaser in his backpack.

Hikaru waves a hand elaborately in the air, “I’m eating, Jim, be a gentleman.”

Jim rolls his eyes at him but he takes care of it anyway.

By the time they have the infected woman buried in a community plot a few blocks away, and are heading back to the house, it’s early afternoon. Yuki greets them at the door with a tilted head, “Where’d you go?”

“Patrol,” Jim replies, “We found an infected woman and put her to rest.”

Yuki whips a notebook out from her back pocket, “What sector?”

“North of Sector F. She’s buried in the empty community plot by Tessa’s house.”

“Did you see her?”

“No,” Hikaru sighs and sets himself down heavily on the couch. “I was just scouting for infected with Jim. We’re taking Aiko on a bike ride later.”

“Later?” Aiko appears in the living room. “I thought we were going now.”

“As soon as I shower,” Hikaru says, “I’ve got sweat and dirt all over me.”

“Ugh,” Aiko whines, “But I’m bored in this house.”

“Sucks to suck,” Hikaru summarizes and heads out. Yuki follows after him, reporting the house status.

“Here,” Jim says and picks up the basket left on the coffee table, “Come help me. It’ll pass the time.”

It does for a while. Emi comes downstairs and watches them argue and make up about how tight the pattern should be, offers advice, retracts it, and then skips away. Sun sits on the table opposite, expertly weaving while they fight but when Jim turns to her for advice, she pretends she’s listening to music on some earphones. Yuki spends the day playing a board game with her dad in the kitchen. Jim hardly sees Yoshiko, but he figures she’s upstairs, with their grandfather.

Compared to the type of activities they usually get up to most days, today feels like a lazy day for Jim. They lounge in separate corners of the house, never talking too loudly or for too long. It’s calm and it’s nothing like his relationship with his family.

He comms his mom and says: _are we just loud people or is everyone in the world just quiet_

_We’re definitely a lively bunch, babe. How’s your time with the Sulu family? Thank Mrs. Sulu for putting you up on my behalf._

_Good. I ate spinach today and nobody was physically injured it was amazing_

_Not impressive. Peter eats vegetables all the time. Best son ever._

_GRANDSONNN,_ Jim corrects playfully.

 _Whatever_ , his mom replies.

“Who’re you texting,” Hikaru asks, appearing from nowhere and sitting down next to him.”Doctor McCoy?”

“My mom,” Jim replies, closing the thread. “Who is pretty much a haircut and tumbler of bourbon away from being Bones, so yes.”

Hikaru laughs at him and runs a hand through his wet hair, slicking it back. He looks so relaxed, Jim almost feels like he doesn’t belong to the moment again. But then Hikaru is smiling at him and asking if he’s ready to go.

-

The bike revs so sweetly beneath Jim that it makes the center of his chest burst with pride. He’s surprised in such good condition after years of disuse. It kind of makes him wonder if his mom hopped back on it after he left. It was originally hers, after all. “Goddamn, listen to you, baby.”

Aiko is squished between Hikaru and Jim. There’s room enough for two, of course, but there’s just barely enough for two and half. Jim thanks heaven and Earth that Aiko hasn’t finished his teenage growth spurt yet and is mostly pretty small still. He doesn’t know that it would’ve worked the same if he and Hikaru had to squeeze in a nineteen-year-old.

“Need a moment alone, Kirk?” Hikaru teases.

Jim looks at him over his shoulder and over the helmet on Aiko’s head. “I’ll manage.”

Aiko squirms between them, “Let’s go!”

And really, that’s more than enough for Jim and he takes off. He drives fast enough to stir the engine from it’s usual silent humming as they wind through alleyways, backyards, parks, down the middle of the street and around. The wind is a little stronger now that the sun has begun to set but he’s not especially worries about it. Compared to Iowa, it’s springtime for Jim.

Jim feels Aiko’s hands clenched in his shirt. He’s gripping almost too tightly at first but after he has enough time to get used to the shift of his weight over the hover bike and the speed, they relax, also almost too much. Jim isn’t worried, because he knows there’s no way in hell Hikaru isn’t gripping the kid like mama cat carrying a kitten. He makes a mental note to never say that near Bones or never hear the end of it.

They wind out from sector to sector, Hikaru punching Jim in the shoulder when he thinks they’re going too fast but still laughing when he speeds up even more. They’re not hovering very high up but speeding up through empty streets Jim can feel his heart beating in his throat with adrenaline and he loves it. The houses come together with a blur and after a while of driving aimlessly, the sun starts to disappear behind the treelines.

It casts a vibrant red streak across the sky and turns everything else orange and pink. Jim slows down after a while and follows after the vision of the setting sun, with every mile they pass exposing another pink cloud, another beam of light.

“It looks like ice cream,” he hears Hikaru say.

“It looks like cotton candy,” Aiko replies.

They both laugh and it startles Jim to listen to it because they have nearly identical laughs. It’s strange to think that maybe he and Sam do, too. Jim could laugh in San Francisco or on Delta Vega and lightyears away, Sam would sound the same, echoing it across the galaxy. Maybe his father laughed like they do. And maybe none of them sound alike and maybe none of them have anything to echo.

He doesn’t realize how far out they’ve gotten until a Sulu puts a hand on his shoulder. They slow to stop on a street corner with a post office on the corner. They’ve must’ve been driving for two hours now.

“What is it?” Jim asks, turning off the engine so they can stretch their legs.

“We’re past Sector F and Sector G, maybe we should turn back.”

“Isn’t that why we went exploring this morning? So we could go past sectors F and G?”

Hikaru hops off the bike, stretching his back,“Yeah, we left our furthest exploration checkpoints back half a mile ago.”

Jim glances around and realizes they did leave their furthest points behind. There are no recognizable landmarks nearby. “I guess we did.” He steps away from the bike, too, stretching his arms up over his head. “You know how to get back from here, right?”

“Yeah, it’s just blind territory, you know.”

”No, yeah, I understand.” There’s a residential area on the opposite block, a school down the road, and a couple of local shops and an abandoned transport station further west. “I don’t see any kind of supermarkets.”

“Because there isn’t any around here. What are you thinking?”

Aiko tugs the helmet off and sets his elbows on the handlebars of the bike. “Yeah, Jim, what’re ya thinking?”

“We haven’t been out this far, there could be useful supplies.”

“In the houses?” Aiko asks loudly, as if scandalized by the notion of robbery.

“What even,” Hikaru interrupts, “Keep your voice down, he literally just said supermarkets.”

“Oh.”

“Humor me, where’s the closest one following?”

Hikaru closes his eyes, seeming to count internally. After a second, he opens them, and his tone conveys doubt. “Another mile northeast of here.”

”That’s too far,”

“Which one?” Aiko asks, “You mean the chain store?”

“Yeah.”

“No, Hikaru, there’s a little place by here. Run by that little old woman who sells those weird candles.”

“Where?”

“It’s like two or three blocks that way,” Aiko points West. “It’s where we get munchies when I go to Evan’s house.”

“Who’s Evan?” Hikaru says at the same time as Jim asks, “What kind of munchies?”

Hikaru glances at him and for a second, Jim thinks they’re going to start arguing, but before either of them can react, the sound of glass breaking disrupts his thought process.

Aiko sits up suddenly, “What was that?”

The sound came from a few buildings over. Jim draws his phaser and moves to take point, but when he looks over, Hikaru has only moved towards Aiko. “It sounds like it came from the post office. We should investigate it.”

“Why?”

“Someone could be hurt.”

“It was probably a cat or something.”

“If a cat broke a window, he might be hurt. We need to help him.”

“’Karu, what if he’s bleeding?” Aiko prods, brows furrowing and showing his age quite distinctly.

“Goddamn it,” Hikaru mutters under his breath. “Okay, you walk in between us, Jim take point, I’ll bring up the rear. Aiko, stay quiet, stay out of sight, if a fight starts what do you do?”

“Sit down on my punches.”

“No,” Hikaru hisses, scowling, “This is not the time, Aiko.”

Aiko casts his eyes away and shifts his weight uncomfortably. Jim looks away for both of their sakes, he feels like the awkward boy watching their friend get yelled at by his parents. “I’ll stay out of the way,” Aiko promises.

They approach the front of the post office, crossing the intersection quickly with their weapons drawn. Even if he’s not meant to fight, Aiko is wielding Jim’s bat, with startlingly good form. The front of the post office is floor to ceiling glass and as soon as they approach Jim can see why the window was broken. Someone was trying to get their attention.

There are two sets of doors. The first doors are closed and locked, keeping the group of infected inside but the second set of floor to ceiling glass keep them from entering the post office. Behind the second set of doors, there’s a young woman standing on top of the cashier’s counter. She’s wearing a postal worker’s uniform, heavy-looking boxes stacked beside her. They’ve barely laid eyes on her before she picks up one of the packages and hurls it through the already broken window.

They both duck and Jim can see Hikaru pulling Aiko away from the glass. The packs hits the outermost set of glass panels and cracks it. Jim is shouting before he can think it through. “Stop!” He’s not sure if the woman can here him, but if the panel breaks, he and Hikaru can’t fight this many infected at once. Not while Aiko is still with them but she’s already picking up another package. “Stop! We have a child with us!”

She must not be able to hear them because another package hurls at the glass, cracking it further. Jim grabs Aiko from Hikaru and hoists him up for her to see, “We have a child! WE HAVE A CHILD!”

The infected are paying attention now, pressing themselves against the glass as if they can will it to break. The woman looks right at him and Aiko and then hurls another package. It hits over all of the heads of the Infected people, and none of them pay attention to it. Finally, the glass splinters and Jim knows on the next package it will break.

“Fuck,” he curses and hefts Aiko over his shoulder, “Run,” he spits at Hikaru and they take off in matching sprints.

The make it across the street and reach the intersection only in time to hear the glass breaking. Jim picks up speed, Aiko gripping the collar of his shirt to steady himself. Luckily, they reach the bike very quickly. He sets Aiko down, who wobbles dizzily, and turns to find Hikaru already climbing on the bike. “Let’s go,” he screams at Jim, “Get on!”

“No,” he replies, breathing heavily and helping Aiko put on his helmet.

“What are you doing?” Hikaru hisses at him, stepping off and towards him again.

In the distance, Hikaru can hear glass crunching like people are stepping on it. His heart is beating so loudly, he’s surprised he can hear anything at all. And he knows what Jim is going to say but the thought of it only makes his heart race faster.

“You know that we can’t have them follow us and compromise our neighborhood.”

“Jim, now’s not the fucking time--”

“Get Yuki, okay. Protect your family. Teach Sun how to block an attack properly,” Jim glances back towards the post office. An infected has turned the corner and is waddling towards them. He’s quicker than any of the Infected Jim’s seen before. Vaguely he wonders if starvation makes them rabid. “Finish my basket that I weaved and give it to Emi. Thank your parents for me.”

“Jim, get on the fucking bike, we’ll figure something out,” Hikaru grabs the front of his shirt and pulls him forward. “You can’t fight all of them at once.”

Jim grins, that fucking Jim Kirk smile. “I can run.” He tilts forward and holds his breath over Hikaru’s mouth, still asking permission, before he presses their mouths together. The pause of their kiss is pregnant with tension and it makes all the blood in Hikaru’s veins run cold. They part with a single, quiet smack of lips. “I’ll buy you some time.”

“Hikaru,” Aiko presses and the fear in his voice snaps Hikaru back into his body.

“I’m coming back for you,” Hikaru promises and hops onto the bike, revving the engine.

Jim’s grin widens into a smile, “You fucking better.”

Aiko hands him his bat back and wraps his arms around Hikaru. He looks so scared through the glass of the helmet. Jim pats his back in a final gesture, “Don’t be afraid,” he urges and in another moment, the bike is taking off past him, Hikaru U-turns and then heads back towards their house.

Behind him, the infected have found him and a group of them are stumbling towards him, faster than before. He takes a deep breath, checks to make sure he’s got his emergency asthma relief medicine, and takes off.

The twilight fades into darkness in the distance.

-

Aiko is crying into Hikaru’s back and he wants to pull over and fucking scream at the setting sun and tear his hair out but he can’t so he keeps driving. He only stops at the house to leave Aiko, refuel, get the first aid equipment and Yuki is watching him with frantic eyes but speaking with a calm voice. “What happened?”

He tells her and he tells his parents, leaves the phasers, and says. “I’m going to bring him back.”

His dad watches him navigate the house with a stern set to his mouth. “And if you can’t find him? If it’s too late for him?”

The questions hooks themselves into Hikaru’s chest and pull him out the door. “I don’t know.”

-

The Post Office street is empty. Two infected people are on the floor, disarmed, and the glass remains where he expected to find it. The woman dressed in the postal uniform is gone and Hikaru follows a trail of dead bodies scattered until he finds Jim’s discarded baseball bat. He doesn’t have to look much further.

Besides the bat is a pool of thick, bright red blood. It’s large enough to be an almost perfect circle, but small enough that it gives Hikaru hope. It smells fresh, too. The footsteps in it trail out towards the bank across the street. The front window has been shattered and Hikaru follows them with his wakizashi drawn, the only real katana he owns strapped to his back..

He thinks he’s ready for it all.

-

Jim is on the rooftop of a building, sitting against a closed vent shaft as he writes the message for Bones. At first, he just want to thank him for everything he’s done for him but then it gets weepy and winding and he deletes it. He feels stupid, having gone from asthmatic to weepy in less than sixty seconds. But in another thirty, he undoes the deletion and carries on to where he was.

_This is not a no win scenario. This isnt me giving up or giving in or any of that shit. I’ve got a few minutes and I want to thank you bones for being a brother to me. And a parent and a guidance counselor and an asshole. Same goes for spock ironically all of the fucking people. i love you_

He clears sweat away from his eyes and breathes in for five seconds. His ears are ringing so much it feels like the inside of his head is vibrating. He touched it gingerly, the source of the throbbing, just a few minutes ago and his hand came away slick with blood.

For now, he puts it out of his mind. His hunting knife is in his hand, balanced under the PADD as he Swypes, and tries to think. Of all the things he has to say in the universe, which are the most important?

_This is not a no win scenario bones i swear. Hikaru and aiko got away. They’re safe. Coming here was not a no win scenario, i helped protect good people. I met sulu’s family they’re awesome bones theyre all so fucking talented and intelligent. And you were wrong about him bc sulus is definitely capable of bein a captain. hes their captain here. He’s head of the family._

He watches the clouds move across the sky slowly, covering the stars he came up here to see. He minds for a second but then he figures he’s seen plenty of stars by now. Maybe they were even enough.

_This isnt a no win scenario bc even if i didnt get brave enough to really fix my problems i got to see him again. I got to help him when he needed me._

He thinks of all the things he wants to say: The bleeding is pretty bad, I’m scared and cold. I’m sleepy. I should have been dead ten minutes ago. I’ll have to go soon. But writes none of it because his energy is fading and there are more important things.

_Good luck raising your kid i woulda love to seen her all grow up._

His eyes shut of their own accord and jim swipes another series of words on the keypad. _I love you bones ur my blood. And i love my mom and my family. and every single crewman we had, you little punks were amazing. Take care of chekov, make hima good officer i think he likesss u better then me_

_Im glad i came here to fix it I love him too yknow. how could i not? hes radiant_

_Ill see u on the other side bones_  
 _Take ur time_

_x_

Jim doesn’t want to think about what he’s writing, doesn’t want to consider the repercussions, he just wants to fall asleep. There’s fog coming over the sky and it’s like a blanket over him because he can’t see through it. What he can’t see coming can’t hurt him.

He sends the message and lays his head on the gravel. Jim shuts his eyes and the relief is almost instant, his whole body just shrugs into the fog and the exhaustion. He figures it’s okay.

He was planning on leaving San Francisco tonight anyway.

-

Doctor Guerrero insists that they don’t have the time to move him or get him back to Sector A, the sector their houses are in. Hikaru is less than argumentative, pressing his fingers into Jim’s wrist, desperate for a pulse. “I shouldn’t have left him,” he says to himself, beneath his breath.

They log roll him and Dr. Guerrero shouts instructions at Hikaru to do this or that but she’s holding an osteo-regenerator steady and hasn’t asked to be handed anything, so she’s probably just keeping him busy. “Hikaru, I need you to get water and the pain hypos in my kit.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m patching the break in his skull, it’s a linear fracture, pretty standard, be quiet for a second, son.”  
Hikaru nods and in her other hand she’s tracing a tricorder around the rest of Jim’s head. The feedback monitor is on the floor in front of her and she glances at it randomly while the regenerator stitches the broken bone. “No burst arteries or hemorrhaging, that’s good.”

“How can there not be,” Hikaru says, and he can hear the panic in his own voice, “Look at the blood, isn’t that what hemorrhaging means? He’s definitely hemorrhaging!”

“Where’s that hypo, Hikaru?” she asks in a calm, even tone.

He sighs exasperatedly and holds it up, handing it over. She grabs it, tucks it into her palm beneath the tricorder but makes no move to use it. “Alright, hand me that dermal regenerator.”

Hikaru closes his eyes and sees red inside, rubs them to ease the ache. “Okay,” he says and allows the fight to dissipate from his shoulders. Mrs. Guerrero is doing everything she can for them and he’s not helping by freaking out in her ear. If she’s asking for a dermal regenerator, Jim’s probably fine.

The medical kit is gutted to the side of Jim’s head and he finds the dermal regenerator easily and hands it over. Dr. Guerrero hands back the osteoregnerator back and resumes her work. As she does, she hums softly, a near ancient classical song that Hikaru can’t remember the name of, but he knows it’s very famous.

“What happens after this?”

“After this, you need to get him home, get me home, get yourself home, get some sleep. What’s your blood type, son?”

“I don’t know,” he says without thinking of it and then stops. “Wait, uh, it’s AB positive, the universal plasma thing.I don’t know why I can’t think straight.”

Dr. Guerrero casts a glance at him with a coy smile. “I have an idea.”

Hikaru ignores her and returns to inspecting Jim’s condition, peaking at the tricorder feedback screen. He doesn’t really know how to read it but Dr. Guerrero can’t know that, so he carries on. After another minute of the soft humming, Dr. Guerrero leans forward and inspects the wound. “There we go, fixed to newborn baby caul levels.”

“What does that mean?”

“Listen closely, Hikaru, I’m going to go start the car, you need to bring him downstairs, he’s got a stable pulse but I’m not done yet to be very careful of how you carry him, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he says and hands her the med kit so she can close it all up.

They roll him onto his back again and Hikaru tightens the strap on his katana so it won’t bother him. His wakizashi is sheathed again and at his side. He tucks his arms under Kirk’s knees and his shoulders and lifts him up in a swift movement. Kirk isn’t skinny, but Hikaru isn’t either.

Dr. Guerrero heads out ahead of him and Hikaru takes his time bring Kirk down the stairs. It’s hard to see where exactly he’s stepping but he’s afraid of dropping him so he keeps himself a slow, steady pace. Halfway down, Kirk lolls his head against Hikaru’s chest and his eyes blink open slowly. “What’s happening?” he asks, blearily.

“I’m saving your life, I think.” Hikaru replies, focusing on the steps.

“Again?”

“Again .”

Kirk hums in agreement and then says quietly, “Add it to the list of the reasons why I love you.”

And then passes out. Hikaru hears the words and doesn’t let the flush in his face embarrass him. They’re not out of the woods yet, and delirious confessions aren’t going to get them anywhere.

-

By the time they get back, his parents set up Jim’s cot in the basement so they can watch him and help him heal while they garden. He sets Jim down on the cot and watches them work for a little while and then Yuki touches his shoulder. “Do you want me to take the graveyard shift so you can stay here with him?”

Jim is in an induced sleep cycle, sedated while Dr. Guerrero carries her tricorder over various places of his body and heals other less severe injuries. There’s an old fashion needle in his arm and a bag of blood hanging off a coat rack. His mom was Jim’s blood type and donated some to help earlier.

Jim is pale with sunken eye sockets and he keeps gripping and releasing the sheets beneath him like involuntary twitching. Hikaru feels the thinness of air in the room like when he hasn’t slept and stands up.

“No,” Yuki is their mother’s favorite, “Help Dad take care of mom, I’m going on watch."

-

The worst part of it all is that the days keep turning. That’s what most hateful of it all, Hikaru thinks. That nothing ever stops on Terra. His sisters need to eat, his parents need protection. The house could split and get swallowed into the Earth, and it’s another thing to recover from. Another fight to endure.

Hikaru sits on the edge of the kitchen counter during his watch, six days after Kirk has been injured, and he can still smell the blood of it, the foulness. He presses his finger bones into his eye sockets and breathes heavily. Even now, he cannot stop. He’s on watch, on Terra.

Jim is injured and Yuki is asleep. His parents are getting tired of the protein rations and Emi lost a tooth the other day. He can’t fathom what it might mean for her if she seriously injured herself. Where would he take her?

Probably to Mrs. Guerrero, who has done more than enough for them already, but she has mouths to feed of her own. She has worries and broken bones to heal of her own. And so does everyone who stayed. They might pretend to pal around during this time, because they all know they need one another but it won’t always be this way.

Once the lockdown is over, Hikaru is going away again and Yuki is going away again. Their grandfather is increasingly sicker, he’ll be going away too, probably. Hikaru wishes they could stay if it meant they could stand still for a second.

But it hasn’t so far, and it won’t in the future. He has to keep going for his family, for the Guerreros, and for Terra, and for his aunts and uncles and all the people counting on him. It makes him sick to think he would rather leave but he knows in his bones, the bones he has cracking with pressure, that he can’t stay.

Starfleet and the Enterprise and his little botany lab, these are the only things he has for himself. He can’t let go of them.

So he does patrol around the house perimeter and one hundred push-ups on the back porch. When his arms ache and his heart is beating too rapidly, Yuki wakes up, and he can take a break, but it’s not a stopping point. There could be another event at any minute and after that, they’ll have to recover.

It burns inside his chest. It keeps him up at night.

On the fifth morning, Jim is up and at-them, relieving a bewildered Hikaru in the morning shift and sending him to bed with hollow eyes to belie his trademark grin. “What, surprised to see me?”

“Who--who released you?”

“Your mom, last night,” Kirk replies, rounding the kitchen island to pick up a pear. “She held the video commlink for Dr. Guerrero, she gave me the all clear and here we are.”

“Oh,” Hikaru says, rubs exhaustion from his eyes and nods. “Okay.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll see you later, then,” Hikaru replies instead.

He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, leaves behind the weapons, and leaves, with Kirk’s gaze burning a hole between his shoulders as he walks away.

The bedroom upstairs is cold from absence and he wriggles around in his blankets for ten minutes, trying to spread his body heat. Outside, wind and fog have settled over the house so there’s no point in looking out the windows. He settles into his sheets and counts the times the branches appear to scratch the glass and then recede into the fog. There are fourteen cycles and then his eyes are shutting of their own accord.

He doesn’t remember his dreams.

-

Just like before, they start a routine. Jim takes the first morning shift, Yuki patrols in the afternoon, Hikaru takes the first night shift and Yuki will wake up in the morning for the morning shift. Jim does the afternoons, heads to bed, Hikaru works graveyard. It cycles over them like the sunlight they don’t see anymore.

The winter fog has settled over their neighborhood and when it’s dense enough that they can’t see through it, Hikaru cancels all patrols. They spin around each other in exhausted circles. It all remains the same, only now Jim picks at the hairs growing back at the back of his head and eats protein cubes instead of pears.

Yuki sips her tea when she’s awake and casts an unimpressed glare at him over the table. “What do you think you’ll gain from this?”

Jim gestures at his plate and pretends he doesn’t understand. “Protein.”

She nods with knowing eyes. “Oh so it’s like that. Okay.”

Emi and Aiko monopolize his days when he’s not on watch. They have developed their own card game and written down all the rules for Jim to follow. From what he can gather, it’s somewhere between Uno, Go Fish and a games of chess. He’s not following along as well as he would like. Their grandfather kicks ass at it, however, and he’s beaten Jim at the game more times than Jim is willing to admit. But every time he loses it makes Emi laugh so sharply and so clearly, he can stand the loss.

Yoshiko and Hosato have been spending more and more days in the basement greenhouse, something Jim didn’t know was even there until it was the basement greenhouse and infirmary. They helped him heal using a variety of basic herbs and he’s never been more keenly aware of the power of holistic medicine.

Sun has been following Hikaru around nonstop as part of her training and he rarely sees her anymore but he knows she’s coming along very well. Yuki is the one that appraises him of her progress, in between bites of dinner and on their way to bed at night.

Bones has been sending him text messages via PADD all week long, especially after Jim made the mistake of writing out his own eulogy and sending it to him. He’s not answering them because the thought of it, the thought of what he wrote, and what he meant, is aches in his throat and makes his ears ring.

But they keep coming: _Dammit Jim im worried about your bony ass I know youre alive, the pilot told me so, so what in tarnation is happening out there????!_

Jim shuts the threads and lets the messages flood in. He closes the blinds in Sulu’s room and lets the darkness flood in. The fog has been making the street lights less and less effective. The darkness reminds him of the Enterprise, though, so he’s not complaining.

He’s not really complaining about anything lately. He nearly died again and Hikaru brought him out of it again. A cycle of it’s own, Jim on the verge of losing his life, dragged back into the fight by his pilot. If this were a few months ago, he’d be in Hikaru’s arms now and breathing open-mouthed kisses into his neck. He’d be reckless and desperate for the contact, like he always is.

But the injury has come and gone. Hikaru didn’t visit him and hasn’t extended a hand.

Bones keeps sending him message, _I’m glad your alive even if youre a goddamn infant about talking to me. Joanna says to be safe and look both ways before you cross the street because that’s how you stay safe._

His mother wouldn’t even have known until Bones got out of lockdown. Or maybe Hikaru would have commed her from Jim’s commlink. Or Sam. Would he have told everyone? What would he have said? Would they mention that Jim did it for Aiko?

Jim flips the blankets back and sticks his feet into some socks because the floors are cold. He makes his way downstairs and everyone is asleep already. He can hear Yuki snoring a few doors down and Hosato snoring from the Master bedroom. It’s not especially loud but in the silence of the house, it’s presence is comforting.

Downstairs, Hikaru is sitting on the coffee table with his back to the stairs. He’s got a PADD in front of him and a phaser in his thigh holster. The front doors and windows are all barricaded, but Jim’s sure that’s not enough to put Hikaru at ease. He doesn’t turn around until Jim steps on the last stair, shifting his weight.

For a moment, he doesn’t know what to say and so he says the first thing that comes to mind. “Would you have told my mom?”

Hikaru furrows his brow and then rubs sleep from his eyes. “What?”

Jim steps into the room with him, coming to a stop at the coffee table. Hikaru squints up at him, eyes adjusting to the darkness. Jim feels the embarrassment raising heat in his cheeks and he’s glad for the dark. “If I had died, would you have told my mom?”

Hikaru sighs, exasperated, “It’s one in the morning, Jim.”

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize.”

Hikaru turns the PADD off and sets it aside. “It’s fine.” He shifts over so Jim can sit next to him and Jim accepts the invitation. He waits another minute or so and repeats his question at the same time that Hikaru says, “No.”

Jim isn’t sure what answer he expected but Hikaru’s reply still surprises him. “You wouldn’t?”

“I wouldn’t let you die, Captain.”

“Oh,” Jim says, and the ringing is his ears catches on Captain. “Captain,” he repeats, mostly to himself.”

Hikaru scowls at the floor, “I wouldn’t let anyone die.”

“Yeah but you didn’t let me do anything. I knew what it meant to let you and Aiko get to safety. I chose to stay behind.”

“I meant that I wasn’t going to leave you out there.” Hikaru gestures at him emphatically but it doesn’t really mean anything to Jim. “I should’ve said that I wouldn’t leave you to die.”

“Oh.”

“Speaking of which, McCoy has been texting me near nonstop about your condition. I gave him Dr. Guerrero’s comm address so he’d stop bothering me.”

Jim smiles, “You think she’ll put him in his place?”

“Oh yeah. McCoy is a softie, she’ll have him around her finger in an instant.”

Jim laughs at the thought for a second and remembers why he came down here again. The laughs settle into silence and Hikaru reaches for his PADD again, probably thinking that their conversation is over. Jim can feel himself losing his nerve and so he asks, “Why didn’t you visit me?” It sounds hard and strained even to himself. He hopes Hikaru notices but also that he doesn’t. “When I was sick. I was down there for like a week. I thought we were friends.”

“I was busy,” Hikaru replies easily. “Yuki can’t take all the shifts--”

“Yuki said you were extending your shifts and making her go down to check on me--”

“I can’t help what she told you.”

”But you can help what you tell me, so stop talking in circles and say some real shit to me.”

”Like what?” Hikaru says, nonchalantly, “What do you want to hear Jim?”

“I don’t know. Whatever you have to say.”

“God, you think it’s so easy, don’t you? You can drop half-conscious confessionals when you’re on the brink of death and pass out before you face the consequences? Shit doesn’t work like that, Captain. I have to watch everything I fucking do here because there are people depending on me. I can’t stop even for a second,” he presses an accusing finger into Jim’s chest, but his voice is as flat as ever, “Especially not to play doctor and have you fuck me up again.”

Jim can’t think of a reply and waits for Hikaru to continue or explain or something.

“I have too much to lose.”

“Fuck you up?”

Hikaru stops and sighs, letting it settle over them. Eventually he says, “I need a drink,” and rubs his eyes again, PADD in his lap. With it glowing under his face, it highlights the shadows under his eyes. He looks exhausted and he sounds just as tired when he says, “Go get me a beer and we’ll have this fucking talk finally.”

Jim bites his tongue on his thoughts about alcohol and important conversations but stands up to do as he’s told. The fridge isn’t full of alcohol by any means but there’s a six pack of imported beers in the back that Hikaru’s parents have been saving for when they feel the need. Jim thinks it’s pretty awesome that they do, if he was saving a six-pack, it’d only be around for a week.

When he gets back into the living room, Hikaru has migrated to the couch, sitting in a ray of light from the street lamps that peeks through the boards on the windows. The PADD he was fiddling with is forgotten on his coffee table. Jim hands him the beer and sits down next to him with one of his own.

He doesn’t know how to start the conversation again. Or even restart the atmosphere of a conversation like this. But words burn in the bottom of his throat and he says, “Okay, tell me about my half-conscious confession.”

Hikaru twists off the cap and takes a series of gulps. One beer is in no way going to inebriate either of them but it might take the edge off his nerves. Hikaru chews his tongue thoughtfully and says, “You woke up somewhere between busting your head open and being brought into the makeshift infirmary.”

“What horrendously offensive thing did I say to you?”

Hikaru almost laughs. “That you love me.”

“Oh fuck,” Jim grimaces immediately and sets down his beer to bury his face in his hands. “What is wrong with me?”

Hikaru does laugh this time, just a short chuckle, that he mostly can’t help. Jim glances at him between the fingers covering his face. “Why are you laughing, you were yelling at me a minute ago!”

Hikaru shrugs and drinks from his beer again. “I don’t know.”

“Yeah, okay,” Jim relents, sitting back on the couch, “I’m pretty stupid.”

“Your words, not mine.”

“Alright, so I apologize for that. I shouldn’t have done that.” Jim pauses and then lets the momentum he’s built carry him through the rest. “And I’m sorry about that night on the Enterprise. I know I’ve said it and you’ve shut me down for it but I need you to understand that I’m genuinely regret it.”

“It’s ok,” Hikaru replies softly and into the mouth of his beer bottle. Jim almost doesn’t hear the next question, rushed into the drink he takes immediately thereafter, “It’s whatever now, right?”

“No,” Jim says and he can feel himself stirring with the frustration of months living with the Sulus. “Please, no. Please work this out with me. I seriously am going insane over here and I don’t know how to fix this. I didn’t sleep with Janice that night, it wasn’t even something I was attempting or thinking of.”

“So what, Jim?” Hikaru chuckles again, “I mean, even if you didn’t sleep with Rand that night, how long was it going to be before some other person caught your eye?”

“That’s my point, Hikaru, there was no one else and I don’t want there to be.”

Hikaru sighs and shifts further into the couch. “Come on, Jim. I know you’re not the monogamous type. And we weren’t even really dating at the time so it doesn’t matter.”

Jim leans forward, removing the beer from Hikaru’s hand and setting it on the coffee table. “There’s a difference,” he says insistently, “between monogamy and loyalty.”

“What are you saying?”

“That if you asked me to be loyal to you, I would never falter. In any definition of the word and if you want that to mean monogamy, then I will be monogamous to you.”

Hikaru rubs at his eyes with chilled fingers and feels the exhaustion stinging gently behind them. “I’ve heard the stories, Jim. I know about Chapel and Gary and all the other people you’ve fucked over, and frankly, I knew what I was getting myself into when we started.”

“Okay, fine. You want to know about Christine and Gary? Fine. Chapel and I got drunk on my birthday once, and then I ended up covered in vomit and snot in her bathroom and I begged her to tell people a different story. But Gary was a long-term boyfriend, not a person I used, he was someone I cared about and still care about!”

Jim removes Hikaru’s hand from his face and presses it down into the cushion with his own. “Hikaru, people have been talking about me behind my back from the second I was born. I stopped giving a shit about those rumors in middle school and it’s fucked up but if we’re gonna be together, it’s one of the things we’ll fight past and fight over, probably weekly.”

“I didn’t say that we were gonna okay again,” Hikaru says, slipping his hand out of Jim’s grasp.

“No, but. I mean, I wasn’t lying,” Jim pauses, licking his lips, and thinks of Bones and Joce telling him to put his money where his mouth is, “when I said I love you.”

In the faded glow of the PADD light, Hikaru’s dark eyes are silver and potent. Jim watches his expression change and his chest shift with his breath. It feels ancient and endless but finally Hikaru opens his mouth as if to reply.

“I--”

“Hikaru?” Yuki calls from the stairs.

The two of them snap apart as if stung and Hikaru stands, rounding the coffee table to meet Yuki halfway. “What are you doing up?” he asks, “Is everyone okay?”

“Yeah,” she replies breezily, “I’m here to relieve you, end of watch such and such.”

“Ok,” Hikaru nods absently and starts undoing his thigh holster to hand it over.

Jim gulps down half of his beer before standing up. Hikaru’s is forgotten on the table, half empty as well. He stands and grabs Hikaru’s and passes it to him, along with his PADD when he asks after them.

“Are you well rested?” Jim asks Yuki.

“Yeah, I feel good. Why are you down here?”

Jim shrugs, “Couldn’t sleep.”

Yuki nods and shakes her PADD at Jim, “I’ll hook you up with books whenever you want if you think it’ll help.””

Jim tilts his head appraisingly, “Hell yeah, I’m down for that.”

“Tomorrow morning, nerd,” Yuki promises and socks him in the arm. “I’ll see you both tomorrow, yeah?”

‘I’ll be down to relieve you at 0700,” Jim promises.

“You don’t have to,” Yuki replies, rounding them both and throwing herself onto the couch. “My dad said he wants to start in on the rotations, he’s thinks we’re not getting enough sleep. He thinks that with the four of us shifting sleep schedules, it’ll be hella more efficient.”

Jim shrugs, “That’s fine but when were you gonna tell me?”

Yuki glances between the two of them and tilts her head in interest. “‘Karu said he would.”

Jim turns to Hikaru with a questioning brow, “Sulu?”

Hikaru gulps at his beer and then inhales deeply. “Jim, my dad’s starting in the rotations tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Jim says as un-sarcastically as possible and turns on his heel to head upstairs.

Behind him, Hikaru is updating Yuki on their immediate status and giving orders for certain procedures. At the top of the stairs, he pauses to hear Yuki address him as “sir,” and the thought of it hitches his breath for a moment. Hikaru could carry the world on his back and think himself a weak man. Another thing they have in common, then.

In their room, Jim hesitates to speak again because he’s bared himself nearly to the bone but he still wants to know what Hikaru is thinking. They shift around each other in the dark for a minute or so and then his impatience helps Jim bare himself a little more.

“I’ve never had anything to lose, I think.”

Hikaru looks at him, and their room is so dark that he can only barely make out the silhouette of Hikaru turning his head.

“Until the Enterprise.”

“The people or the ship or the command?”

“All of it.”

They sit beside each other on the bed and Jim set his beer down on a counter but in this darkness he has near to no hope of finding it again without injuring himself. He thinks he’s okay with that, and takes a swig from Hikaru’s bottle, before pressing it back into his hands. “Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

“So why didn’t you visit me?”

In the dark, he can’t read Hikaru’s expression but he can hear his breathing and it slows to stop. “I’ve always had something to lose, even when we’re on the ship, I have to make it back okay. I can’t ever let myself slip.”

The unspoken thought of his family passes over them.

Hikaru nods curtly, as if affirming himself. “And when were acting foolish after missions I kept my distance because I’d heard the rumors and the stories and I thought it wasn’t going anywhere. But you fuck me up, man.”

Jim wants to ask what that means but then Hikaru is continuing, dropping his head into his hands and speaking into his palms. “I’m a fucking genius, okay. I know like six languages and I’ve won national fencing tournaments and I grow alien plants in hostile environs with water and sunlight, okay? I’ve got my shit together and then we’re in the same room and you just, you fuck me up.” He shifts forward, dropping his elbows to his knees. “And I can’t afford that on most days, but especially not here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Hikaru says, almost automatically. “I know you don’t care about me.”

Jim drops to his knees in front of him and tries coaxes his hands away from his face but fails. He presses his forehead against the back of Hikaru’s hands. “Hikaru.”

They are totally silent but for their erratic breathing. The bottom of Jim’s knees ache and his teeth grind inside his jaw. He feel so desperate for an inch and Hikaru is not budging.

“You hurt me, Jim.”

“I know, baby, and I’m sorry. Please look at me, I’m sorry. That’s the last thing I wanted in the world.” There’s a throbbing in his head like he might be crying but Jim can’t focus on that right now. “Hikaru, look at me, you’re all I care about, okay, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Hikaru turns his head away from him and tries to stand away from his grip but Jim pulls him down to face him. He take Hikaru’s face into his hands and presses their foreheads together, willing Hikaru to close the distance. His thumbs are wet, brushing across Hikaru’s cheeks but Hikaru’s stuttering breaths distract him. “What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know,” Jim replies. “I want to be with you.”

His heart is racing with anxiety and expectation. And really, he can’t blame Hikaru for looking out for his family. Jim would do the same in his position and sometimes he aches for all the things he can’t protect his crew from. Maybe he deserves this.

The silence and the darkness feel heavy on Jim’s shoulders and maybe he waits ten minutes or maybe six months or maybe he’s been waiting since Hikaru first kissed him that night in his quarters but then he finally says. “I do too.”

Jim sighs and says carefully, “Then tell me what you want to do.”

Hikaru turns his head again but doesn’t pull away. “I won’t share you.”

“And I don’t want to be shared,” Jim replies, pulling Hikaru back to face him.

They fall back into the silence and listen to each other’s breathing. Jim tilts his head up at Hikaru, slowly attempting to close the space between them. Finally, Hikaru’s hand appears at the back of Jim’s neck, guiding him gently into a kiss. It’s chaste, a press of warm lips against warm lips but the tension between them stifles it. They part after a second and Jim feels a hysterical laugh bubble in his throat.

“That’s it?”

“That’s that,” Hikaru says softly. “What do we do now?”

“We should get some sleep, I guess,” Jim replies, clearing wetness off his face. “We still have to get up tomorrow and patrol like usual.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

They separate and Jim clambers into the bed while Hikaru changes into his pajamas. He can’t see much of Hikaru until light catches his hair and reflects in the notches of his spine. The blankets are cold and Jim shifts around, trying to spread his body heat and contain it inside. When Hikaru’s finished, he slides into the bed beside him.

They’re stiff against each other, touching only in the ways that they absolutely can’t help. They’re still for so long that Jim imagines Hikaru has fallen asleep. When he feels confident that Hikaru is asleep, Jim slides an arm around his waist and pulls him closer, carefully as not to wake him. Much to his surprise, Hikaru says, “Then what happened with Rand?”

Jim clears his throat and blinks blearily in the dark room. He presses his nose against the back of Hikaru’s neck and sighs. “I took her out to drink in the lower decks because it was the anniversary of the day her mom died. We drank, commiserated, drank more, and at some point I went to the bathroom. When I came back, a crewman was trying to pick her up and didn’t realize she was out with the captain. I,” Jim pauses, shifting his knees to press against the back of Hikaru’s legs.

“I reprimanded him and commed Spock to take care of the formal write up. Then I walked her back to her quarters and we puked everywhere and we both fell asleep on the floor of the bathroom. When I was leaving in the morning is when I ran into you. After we fought, I went straight to MedBay.”

“You were absent on the bridge that morning.”

“Bones was patching me up.”

Hikaru twists his fingers between Kirk’s at his waist. “I’m sorry. That we let it the stupid shit go on for this long.”

Kirk replies with a chaste kiss to the back of his neck. “I am too.”

-

The next morning, they wake up with a knock on the door. Jim slides out of the warmth of the bed, and on his way to answer the door, disturbs the blankets on the cot. He’s not sure where he and Hikaru stand in regards to coming out to his family, but he wants to be careful just in case.

Hosato is at the door, looking well rested and sharp in a wool peacoat and earmuffs. He smiles when Jim answers and nods to inside the room. “Is ‘Karu still asleep?”

Jim nods, wincing at the light in the hallway. “Yeah, he was tossing and turning all night so I think he might sleep in today.”

“That’s fine,” Hosato waves a hand at him, “I just came by to tell you that I’m taking your shift today. I want you boys to get more rest. Beside, if I get into a scrap, I’ve got forty years of fencing under my belt.”

“I have complete faith in you to kick some ass.”

Hosato laughs and ruffles Jim’s hair. “Get some sleep, son.”

-

He lies awake after the encounter, watching the center of Hikaru’s chest expand and contract under the blankets. Not for the first time, he’s glad he made the trek out here to see Sulu.

His comm vibrates with incoming messages and Jim sits on the floor to answer it through his PADD. The first is from Spock, _Captain, I have reason to believe you have been fatally injured and require immediate medical attention. If I am wrong in these assumptions, please respond to this message so that I may instead investigate the credibility of my source._

Jim replies, _I am fine, Mr. Spock. Proceed with your extended shore leave._

_Thank you, Captain._

The second is from Jocelyn, _Sweet baby Jesus, jim, how did i even marry this dude??? weve been in here for months and we were alright at first but this really sucks. Jim, please tell me you’re doing okay and put your money where your mouth is with the hot pilot. Your dramatic life is like the only distraction I have anymore._

_I’m like thirty percent sure you married bones bc of those slick doctor hands. I know a player when i see one. Glad to know someone gets enjoyment from this. Money on the table._

_Then you should know I’m the player in this relationship. How did it go?_

_It’s still going_ , Jim replies, but then hears Hikaru’s breathing shift, _we’ll talk later._

Jim clambers back onto the bed and slides himself into the covers just as Hikaru’s eyes open. He grins at Jim sleepily and beautifully, so much so that it makes the center of Jim’s chest ache with happiness. “God,” he breathes and leans forward for a kiss.

Hikaru smiles into the onslaught of chaste pecks. “What?”

Jim slings a leg over his waist and clambers on top of him. “Nothing,” he says between more kisses, “I just missed waking up with you.”

Hikaru rolls his eyes but his cheeks turn pink so Jim is not buying it. “You’re such a nerd.”

Jim laughs. “You love it.”

Hikaru smiles against his kiss.

-

A new routine develops. With Hosato joining the rotation of shifts, and patrols being cut to a 500 meter radius of the house, they find themselves with a lot more overlapping free time. They fill it with amicable silence. Everyone in the family seems to have a path to pursue, a hobby they practice in their own nook of the house. Jim doesn’t realize it until one day he can’t find anyone.

He’s on watch, sitting in the empty living room, wondering absently where everyone has gone. Aiko is in the kitchen, with Hikaru leaning over his shoulder, teaching him how to suture with a small pillow. “Why sutures?”

“My parents don’t think we need dermal regenerators for wounds that can close themselves with a little help,” Aiko replies. “Also, scars are badass.”

Jim laughs and leaves them to it. In the basement, Yoshiko and Emi are tending to their plants, picking flowers with bright red petals that remind Jim of the setting sun. They smell amazing and he watches them pick and choose flowers for a bouquet. Yoshiko is guiding Emi’s hand to carefully arrange the red-petaled flowers, unaware of Jim watching them. He doesn’t stay long there, either, because he feels like he’s imposing on a private moment.

In her room, Yuki is training with her grandfather, coordinated and quiet together. Another private moment that Jim abandons as he wanders throughout the house. He finds Sun sitting on her lonesome on the loft bed in her room. She’s typing away on her PADD with earphones in and looks up at Jim with a questioning smile when he opens the door. Jim shakes his head to dispel her attention and she resumes whatever she was doing, but being that she’s a teenager, Jim can guess.

Finally, he comes to the office on the first floor. Hosato is inside, typing at his desk. He looks up at Jim when he enters and asks if everything is okay. “Yeah, I was just looking to see that everyone’s good. It was so quiet.”

Hosato nods knowingly and gestures for Jim to sit at the chair in front of his desk. “That’s my fault I’m afraid. Being a poet and all, I ask the children for certain hours of quiet so that I can concentrate.”

“You’re a poet?” Jim asks, remembering the distinct conversation he had with Hikaru about his father’s work as a weapons expert.

Hosato grins, nodding again. “And you didn’t even know it.”

That night, Hikaru and Jim settle into couch on the first floor for their first official post-apocalyptic-quasi-date. Hikaru has chosen a horror holo from the mid twentieth century that he insists is going to scar Jim for life and made popcorn while Jim researches and reads a synopsis for the program. “It?”

“Yep.”

“It’s called It.”

“Are you afraid of clowns at all?”

“Not really,” Jim replies absently, searching for a credible source to read about the film. “Bones is terrified of them, though, but never tell a soul or he’ll eat both of ours.”

“Noted,” Hikaru replies, taking Jim by the elbow and steering him back into the living room. “Have you found a good summary yet?”

“Here’s one I think,” Jim mutters absently, reading off what it says, “Holy shit, Hikaru, what are you even getting me into right now.”

Hikaru grins at him, beatific. “This movie is amazing. You’re gonna love it.”

As it turns out, Jim does love it. But in the way he loves stepping on thumbtack or blunt force trauma, as in not at all. He starts shifting uncomfortably about an hour in and it just goes downhill from there. Hikaru holds him close and occasionally offers sage advice about When To Look but mostly is entirely unhelpful.

Jim’s cringing into the sofa when it ends, head held in his hands. “That was awesome and I hate it. Never opening a fridge again or buying balloons or going near sewer drains or opening the tap at the sink, oh my god.”

Hikaru laughs, giddy with adrenaline, and pulls Jim into his lap. “It’s okay, I’ll be around to open fridges and sink taps for you.”

“Serves you right,” he replies, punching Hikaru’s shoulder. “You can get eaten by Pennywise.”

“I can’t believe you’d never seen that movie.”

“Neither can I actually.” Jim says, tilting his head in thought, “My parents were really into twentieth century shit, so it’s not like there was a shortage of VHS tapes and, like, vinyl records in my house. My dad even had a vintage 1965 Chevy Corvette.”

“Oh god,” Hikaru moans, headbutting Jim lightly. “Was it beautiful,” he asks, headbutting his shoulder then, “Tell me it was beautiful.”

“It was,” Jim decides. “But then I drove it off a cliff.”

“What?” Hikaru reels, “What on earth?”

“Yeah, I was like nine or something, and I was super pissed so I decided to drive it off a cliff.” Jim laughs, “You should’ve seen their faces.”

“Oh my god, Jim.” Hikaru twists his hips to throw himself sideways onto the couch. Jim shifts to accommodate him, straddling the sharp jut of Hikaru’s pelvis. “How could you do that, I can’t date someone who defaces masterpieces.”

Jim sets his weight on his elbows and looms over Hikaru, “Really? I can think of a masterpiece you don’t mind I defaced.”

Hikaru laughs at his stupid line, and shifts again so that he’s facing Jim fully. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jim breathes over his mouth and closes the distance between them in a kiss.

It starts slow, with the two of them sharing their body heat and acclimating themselves to their new relationship. But as all things with Hikaru, they get murky and Jim finds himself unable to think straight pretty quickly. Hikaru wraps his arms around Jim’s shoulders and tugs him down to press their fronts together.

It feels good to finally meet Hikaru on the same level and Jim carries on kissing him with warmth growing in his stomach with every passing breath. The warmth and the steadiness of his own breathing is deceptively lulling and Jim doesn’t realize how hard he is until Hikaru drops a leg off the couch and Jim fits snugly into the space between his legs. Suddenly Jim is grinding into an equally hot erection and panting for breath.

“Wait,” Jim says, and breaks the kiss. Hikaru’s hands are still in his hair but he clears his throat and tries to focus his eyes. “Wait.”

“What’s wrong?” Hikaru asks, pink lips wet and swollen from their kissing. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, I just.” Jim pushes himself up, ungracefully untangling himself, and sits on the coffee table. “I don’t think we should do this here.”

Hikaru runs his hands through his hair, sitting up. “You want to go upstairs.”

“No, I mean in your parent’s house. During the zombie apocalypse.” Jim rubs his eyes and his erection does not thank him for having self-preservation. “There’s too much going on. And we should be careful.”

Hikaru reaches out and takes his hand. His voice softens, “You’re right. We need to focus.” He brings Jim’s hand up to kiss his knuckles. “It can wait.”

-

The next morning, they wake to knocking on the door again. Jim answers it again, haphazardly tossing the blankets on the cot again to artfully crumple them. When he finally gets to the door, Aiko is standing there, reading something from his PADD and not even looking up to say, “Yuki said to wake you both up.”

“Why?”

Aiko’s finger movements on the PADD turn aggressive and fast-paced. He must be playing a game. “The fog lifted.”

Jim lets his head fall against the doorframe with a loud thunk. He knows Hikaru is going to want to get up and patrol now that the fog is gone but he’s not especially excited about it. They still have to go back to post office and gather the bodies to bury them and find out who the hell that woman was.

He gestures for Aiko to run off, “Fine, I’ll wake him up.”

Just as he’s closing the door again, Aiko sticks his foot in it. He opens it again almost immediately and raises an eyebrow, “What’s up?”

Aiko’s game is forgotten, beeping noisily in the background as he chews his lip in thought. “Are you ‘Karu’s boyfriend again?”

Jim almost affirms his suspicion and then realizes he doesn’t really know. He figures they’ve determined they are dating, but they never talked about coming out to the family or whether they should keep the relationship secret. Fortunately for him, that’s when a plush football sails over his head and thunks Aiko on the forehead.

”Aiko,” Hikaru calls from the bed, “Leave my boyfriend alone, we have important making out to get to.”

Aiko picks up the football and Jim ducks as he throws it back into the room. “Mom!” Aiko calls, already turning away from them and down the stairs, “Hikaru threw a ball at my face and then made inappropriate comments!”

Jim laughs at the pure ridiculousness of it all and shuts the door. Inside, Hikaru is sitting up and scrubbing sleep from his eyes. His hair is sticking up at odd ends also somehow matted down on one side. Jim manages to keep a mostly straight face. “So Aiko knows?”

Hikaru mumbles agreement and says, “Only Aiko and Sunny.”

“Why Aiko,” Jim asks, pulling his sleeping shirt over his head.

“My parents made me give him the sex talk, and then he asked me if I’d ever had sex with a girl and at that point, I hadn’t, but I mean, I panicked. I was only like, twenty-one or something. Why are you changing?”

“The fog is lifting, we gotta go.”

”Is it springtime already?”

“April something,” Jim replies, pulling a clean white undershirt over his head. “Let’s go,” he kicks the bed lightly and instead of getting up, Hikaru pulls the covers over his head and burrows back inside.

-

“When I said that I wouldn’t share you,” Hikaru starts suddenly, three blocks out from their furthest checkpoint. “I wasn’t ruling out threesomes.”

Jim, driving the hoverbike with Hikaru’s arms around his waist, bursts into a fit of laughter. He has stop the bike and give Hikaru a wet kiss for that one, smacking their lips noisily with an arm twisted behind him. Hikaru grins at him with pure, unadulterated joy, “What’s that for?”

Jim shakes his head. He’s not even sure he can articulate it. Instead, he asks, “Who’s our first threesome gonna be with?”

“Spock,” Sulu says, with a totally straight face.

Jim shifts and starts the bike up again. “Really? Spock?”

“That logical shit is annoying but have you seen his ass?”

Jim takes off down the street and considers it. He’s not especially worried about this conversation right now. They’ve agreed to focus on the end of the world and Jim’s okay with holding off on the serious conversations for now. The last one took it all out of him. Besides, he doubts Spock will ever pry himself away from his science experiments to spare either of them an interested look. Jim shrugs, “Ok.”

They’re headed out to the sight of Jim’s injury to collect the infected, bury them properly, and investigate the post office. The early morning is clearer that the last couple of days, the fog thinning out as the city shakes off the last bits of winter. It’s even warmer now than the last few months, and the wind feels sharp against Jim’s cheeks but also pleasant. Then again, it could just be he’s happy to be out of the house.

The area surrounding the post office is quiet and still. The smattering of glass from the broken windows is still there, crushed in some places, sharp in others. Hikaru takes point and Jim follows in through the window, but there’s no where to hide before the mail desk and they don’t expect to find anyone.

The open the divider and step past the desk, sweeping the area for people. It’s empty and Jim gestures for their path to head towards the back. There’s a hallway and a stack of mail on one side, all in carts. Some of the boxes have been opened and random stuff is laid out on the ground. Some PADDS, some blender boxes and coffeemakers, but nothing useful. On the other side of the hallway, there’s two closed doors.

They head for the nearest, but when Jim kicks it through, there’s only a bathroom inside. They agreed to clear the place first and so they head back to the second room. At the end of the hall, there’s a deadlocked door, with automatic seals. It almost looks like a vault and Hikaru is thankful for a second, because government buildings sealed during Continental Lockdowns stay sealed for their duration.

Jim sends the door flying with a swift kick and it slams against the nearest wall, clearing the corner. Hikaru sweeps in and turns to the immediate right, sweeping inwards. On the break room table, and this is definitely a break room, the woman from before is sitting with her head between her knees. It takes him a second to recognize her, because her hair is in her face, but she’s still dressed in the same postal worker’s uniform.

She looks up at them through tendrils of her dirty hair and she’s sobbing, “Please don’t kill me.”

Jim gestures at him to sweep the room for weapons and stands in front of her. “Do you have a weapon?”

She pushes her hair out of her face and shakes her head. “No.”

“Do you mind if I check that for myself?”

“No,” She stands up quickly and fidgets nervously while Jim pats her down. Her pockets are empty but for lint and he can find nothing that might be concealed on her. “Clear.” He says for Hikaru, then asks her, “Is there anyone else here?”

“No, it’s just me.” She squares her eyes on Jim’s face. “You’re the guys from before.” Her breathing picks up into heavy gasps. “You’re gonna kill me!”

Hikaru finishes the room, “Clear,” and comes to stand at Jim’s side.

“Hey,” Jim says softly, almost like he’s speaking to a frightened child. He puts a hand on hers shoulder to guide her back into her chair. “What’s your name?”

“Emma.”

“Okay, lovely name. Listen Emma, because I’m only going to say this once and I think it’s fairly important. Are you listening?”

Emma nods with short, frantic shakes. Hikaru eyes the replicator in the corner and figures she probably did alright for herself being locked in here. Of course, she’s going to need more nutritional meals but they can figure all that out later. “Nobody is going to hurt you,” is what Jim says, “and we are definitely not going to kill you.”

Emma starts sobbing again and takes Jim’s hand in hers, kissing his knuckles frantically. “Thank you, thank you.”

Jim slowly pulls his hand away from her and pulls her down to his chest for a hug. She sobs into his shoulder then, fingers twisting in his jackets. Jim glances up at Hikaru and Hikaru already knows what he’s thinking. He may have thought it first, concerning himself with Emma’s nutritional habits before they decided anything. “Where can we take her?”

Sulu rubs his chin in thought. The house is too crowded, and they don’t know her well enough to let her right in. The neighbors might have a fit if they come back and Sulu just let a stranger live in their house. He’s already asked too much of the Guerrero’s to expect to ask more of them. The Warners’ are stretched too thin of rations to comfortably fit in another person. The Smiths might have room for her, if they haven’t exhausted their stores, and if they’re willing to take in another person.

“We’ll ask around.”

Jim nods and sets her back onto the chair she was sitting on. “Okay, Emma, it’s alright. I’m going to ask you a few questions, okay? Try to remember as much as you can.”

Emma nods again, clearing the snot and tears from her face and straightening her features. He can see her for the first time, devoid of any distractions and she can’t be older than twenty-five. “How long have you been here?”

“A week or two or something like that, maybe I don’t know. I tried counting the sunrises but it got confusing.”

“Alright, that’s fine. What happened to the infected? Why were they in here with you?”

“They were chasing me,” she starts and her fingers tremble with her speech so she closes them in her lap. “I was running from them and, I’d never seen them run that fast, but I don’t know, I guess they run now. After a while, nothing was familiar anymore but when I saw the post office, I knew they would have that government override lockdown and so I activated it when I came through the door. It gave me a minute countdown, but I didn’t make it to the back door in time.”

Jim shifts on his knees and Hikaru pulls a chair over him to sit on. He takes it gracefully and gestures for Emma to continue. “You were stuck here with them?”

“Until you two came. And I’m sorry about that, I really am, but I needed them to chase you so I could get out.” She covers her face with her hands, inhaling shaky breaths. “I shouldn’t have done it. I put you in danger and I didn’t even get out.”

“Yeah, why didn’t you leave?” Hikaru asks.

Emma tugs at her clothes uncomfortably and slumps further into the chair. “I told you, I ran so far, I don’t know where I am.”

Hikaru crouches beside them, “You’re not a local?”

She shakes her head again. “I only moved here a year ago for a job, I didn’t even have time to properly get to know the city. And I ran out of food in my house so I went-I went to look for more but there’s this park that was so full of infected and I ran.” Her hands shake and she clenches them in her lap. “I don’t know this neighborhood. I tried but then when I saw the soldiers, I panicked and just came back.”

“What soldiers, Emma?”

Emma glances between the two of them, “You don’t know about them?”

“Tell us.”

“They were dressed in black, like in riot gear, they were carrying guns a couple of blocks away from here. I saw a couple military vehicles, like humvees? There was a lot of them. I hid under a car until they were gone. ”

“What were they doing?”

“They picked up the bodies that you left behind.”

Jim strokes her hair thoughtfully and reassures her of her safety. But over her bowed head, he looks to Hikaru and Hikaru doesn’t know what to say.

-

The Smiths gladly open their doors for Emma. They smile when Hikaru appears on their doorstep and invite them inside with brilliant grins. They’re very happy people and talk about the changing weather like it’s a gift from the heavens. They offer Jim and Hikaru food, they offer them a place to stay for the night, they offer them a replicator again.

Hikaru smiles the way his mother taught him to and rejects all of their proposals with social grace Jim has never seen before. It’d be alarming if weren’t so peculiarly adorable. His Adult Hikaru Voice is a bizarre change from his actual voice.

When they leave, Jim lets him drive and they cruise in the streets between their houses, helmet forgotten in his hands. “I think,” he says against Hikaru’s neck, “That’s most I’ve seen you emote in that amount of time. Ever.”

Hikaru shrugs one shoulder, “I’m shy.”

Jim presses his nose to the back of Hikaru’s neck, realizing it’s probably his favorite spot on Hikaru’s body. “No, I think it’s your unflappable zen.”

“Illogical,” Hikaru deadpans.

Jim laughs into his skin. “I know you’re joking but when the two of you get caught up in conversations on the life span of venus fly traps in hostile environs, you’re nearly identical.”

“No,” Hikaru says softly. “My hair’s cuter.”

“That it is,” Jim agrees solemnly and breathes against his neck. The bike is winding a block or so away from the Sulu house, now. This’ll be just another stolen moment in between the frenzy of expectations. “I’ve always admired your unflappable calm.”

Hikaru half-turns towards him, mostly keeping his eyes on the road. One hand comes off the handlebars and down to Jim’s wrist. A light breeze shifts over them both, ruffling their hair. “I admire your passion,” he says, soft like he can’t let anyone else hear it.

But Jim’s heard it, and kisses Hikaru’s neck, and says, “Well aren’t we a pair.”

The house is lively when they get there and inside, Yuki is standing in the corner of the living room with a thigh holster, and her straight back makes even Jim nervous. But the furniture has been cleared apart and in the center of the room, Emi, Aiko, Sun and their mother are playing Twister. Their grandfather is sitting on a nearby chair, grinning wickedly with the spinner in his hand, his white hair combed into a nostalgic part.

They enter and Hosato appears from the kitchen, carrying snacks on a tray, hair styled the same as his father. Distantly, Jim wonders if they did each other’s hair or if it’s coincidental.

Yoshiko looks up at them through the hair that has fallen over her face and between the space of Emi’s arm and Emi’s leg. “Hey, boys!”

“How was the patrol?” Hosato asks, rounding the disarray of furniture to set the tray down.

“We should talk,” Hikaru says and taps Yuki on the shoulder to follow him into the kitchen. With his touch, she stands straighter still and casts a wary glance out the window before following. She looks tired, with dark circles under her eyes and Jim figures it’s because they had to leave and she had to be on watch without getting a full eight hours.

Hosato follows into the kitchen and Yoshiko extricates herself from the game to catch up with them.

“Yuki, house status,” Hikaru says, sitting at the kitchen table.

Jim takes a seat towards the other end and Hosato and Yoshiko sit opposite of him. Yuki sits at Hikaru’s right. “Green. After you called about the girl you found, I was in brief contact with the Smiths on a secure line. No other calls or messages were made in or out today. Sunny trained earlier today, she asked to go on the next patrol out. Grandpa’s fine. Rations are thinning but the turn of the seasons promise a new series of crops. Nothing more to report.”

“Thank you,” he says shortly and then turns back to his parents. “I’ll make this short. We found the woman from the post office, like I told Yuki.”

“What kind of shape was she in?” Yoshiko asks, “What can we do to help her?”

“She’s physically in decent shape, but she needs new clothes and probably food with actual nutritional value. I’m sure the Smiths can cover her but let’s help them out. Mom, Dad, can you make a fruit basket of some kind, do you think that sounds good?”

They both nod in agreement. “And I’ll look around the house for clothes to spare. I’m sure Dr. Guerrero has some,” Yoshiko adds, “Can you contact the Smiths and ask for sizes?”

“Yuki,” Hikaru hails, and she replies with an immediate assent. “On it.”

“What happened, son?” Hosato asks, steering the conversation back.

“She told us she spotted soldiers in all-black combat gear near Sector F. They were collecting the bodies of infected Jim dropped when he was injured. As of right now, we have no information on these soldiers, they could be friendlies, but we have no way knowing. I’m pulling the patrols back to one-third of a mile in radius. If any of you spot the soldier types, do not engage. Return here without being seen.”

Hikaru sits back in his chair. “As for right now, we’re going to initiate a two-person patrol system to only once a day, or more depending on the change of the weather. The soldiers were armed, so when you leave, carry at least one phaser. Understood?”

Everyone nods, solemnly. From his position at the table, Jim can see Hosato reaching out to take Yoshiko’s hand. Yuki’s eyes never stray from Hikaru. Jim feels like he’s in a meeting with his senior officers. “Jim relieve Yuki. Yuki, get some sleep. We’re done.”

-

In the days following, no one is at ease. The family goes through rotations like going through the motions and Yuki glares out the windows, through the boards, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually, Hikaru takes it upon himself to reintroduce some relaxation for the family. They have a big family dinner with spinach for desert and he makes Emi laugh the way that makes people melt. Yuki even uncrosses her arms.

Jim and Hikaru spend that night brushing their shoulders together on the couch and flipping through the standard channels. There’s an ancient Western playing and Jim insists they watch it, because it will change Hikaru’s life. The film itself is interesting but they both know they’re not watching it. Jim is rubbing his thumb over Hikaru’s kneecap like Hikaru has seen him do to himself a thousand times on the Captain’s chair.

The rugged American cowboy is talking to a girl with curled hair and heavy skirts when Jim speaks, clear as day. “They have to be GIs.”

Hikaru wants to say a lot of things in response to that but settles on, “Why do they have to be?”

Jim shifts to look at him, “They’re not mercs, they’re not going to be private military, or United Terran armies, they have to be GIs. Maybe Starfleet, maybe Continental Guard, Marines, shit, I don’t know, Navy or something.”

“Why, though?” Hikaru asks again but he knows Jim and so he thinks he knows the answer.

“Because. There’s no way this can get fucking worse. We’ve been in lockdown for like five months, this has to be the end of it otherwise--I mean, what do you think would happen to us if they were mercs?”

“I don’t know.”

Jim settles back into couch and curses softly. Their film goes unwatched by either of them. Suddenly, the screen turns black. Hikaru shoots up, and the darkness in the room is a clear indicator the power has gone out. He glances at Jim but half of his face is obscured in the dark and so Hikaru can’t read his expression.

“A blackout?”

“I think we have candles.”

“Or an emergency generator?”

“We need to check on Dr. Guerrero and her kids.”

Jim stands as if to do just that and in one foot stroke towards Hikaru, and towards the door, the screen comes to light again. The holo is whirring again, the power is back on. They stand in the living room, half-lit from an old Terran movie, half-lit from the streetlamps peering through the boarded windows.

“I’ll go check on everyone and wake Yuki up. We need to check on Guerreros. Comm Mrs. Guerrero , I’ll get our stuff together.”

Yuki wakes up quickly when she sees a shadow standing over her. Hikaru ducks a swing and eases her back down into her bed. If he remembers correctly, from that time they fought over the arm space at the movie theatre, she’s got a mean ass right hook. Once she realizes it’s him, though, she’s at attention and moving gracefully to collect herself so Jim and Hikaru can leave. He makes her promise to comm if anything changes.

Downstairs, Jim’s sitting at the window, with a black hoodie over his head, peeking out the window in a slit between the boards. Sulu slides into position next to him and Jim hands him a black sweater, too. “Cover of darkness only works if you’re covered,” he says helpfully. “Phaser holster is ready on the coffee table for you. I’ve got mine, and my knives.”

“Knives? How many knives do you have,” Hikaru asks absently, pulling the hood on. “I have three knives.”

”One of those being a yard long and capable of slicing through steel like water,” Jim retorts.

Hikaru shrugs. Jim rolls his eyes, “Doctor Guerrero answered the comm and said her squad is fine. By squad, I think she means group of small children. Do you still want to go out there?”

From the distance, they can hear the sound of vehicle engines whirring. There are people here, in the neighborhood, maybe a few blocks down. “I want,” Hikaru muses, watching out the window, “to know what the fuck is going on.”

On the holo across the room, that was once playing a public broadcast of an ancient movie, there’s a new Emergency message from Admiral Morrow. The volume is muted so they can’t hear what he’s saying but Hikaru doesn’t think it’s that important. Jim glances at the holo and says, “It’s a morale-boosting broadcast. Stay in your homes, do your duty, protect your family, wipe your nose, cover your cough, Starfleet out.” Jim pulls his PADD out from his bag on the floor and says, “I traced it, it’s national. Nothing about this.”

Yuki comes down the stairs, dressed and coiffed as if for duty. She’s always doing that these days and Hikaru suspects it’s a coping mechanism, which is fine. Anything to help them get through the day. “I thought you wanted to go check on the Guerreros.”

There’s a rumbling in the distance, louder, clearer and Hikaru knows the Humvee is less than two blocks away. Jim is on his left, “I hacked Starfleet HQ while you were upstairs, no noise on their end about soldiers in this part of the city. They’re mostly coordinating the safety campuses and the infection spread.”

“How’s that?” Yuki asks.

“In the northeast and midwest.”

“If they’re friendlies, why would they be here?” Yuki replies, crouching beside Jim.

“Looking for survivors?”

“Looking for infected?” She purses her lips like she did that one time Hikaru stole her sticker collection.

”Sulu,” Jim says, a hand on his shoulder. “What do you want to do?”

Sun and Aiko aren’t well-enough trained that they could protect the house. But their grandfather and his dad might be capable if the two of them are up for it. His grandpa has been joining them for dinner lately, that usually means he’s in good spirits and good health. If he leaves them the katana and accompanying wakizashi, they’ll be in their element enough to bring the house down.

“Yuki, go wake up dad and grandpa. You’re coming with us.”

Her nod is curt and she’s gone in an instant. Jim stands straighter at the sound of his voice, snapping to attention.

“I want to bring this to a head.”

-

They move on a squad of four soldiers heading north on 8th street. The four of them are well trained, Hikaru can tell, they never break formation, even when Jim’s distraction rings out over the silent neighborhood. They glance at each other and then the squadron leader insists that they continue with their current work.

As it turns out, their current work is heading into abandoned houses. They knock the door down of a house that Hikaru has always known to be empty and really, it’s almost perfect. Hikaru comes in through the back door, Jim follows them up the front, Yuki coming down from the second floor, and the have them like surrounded in the living room.

“Drop your weapons,” he orders, and his phaser is set to stun but they don’t know that.

The squad leader looks between the three of them, Jim with a man kneeling in front of him, phaser poised at his head, Hikaru pointing the phaser dead between her eyes, but she pauses at Yuki. She’s got her foot on one man’s throat, his own phaser pointed at him, and her personal phaser pointed at the last soldier. Hikaru watches them make eye contact and Yuki says to the squadron leader, “Put your weapons down.”

“Who are you?” the squadron leader asks, dropping her standard issue phaser to the side.

The remaining soldier does the same with his phaser, following Hikaru with his eyes in every step. Jim nudges the man kneeling and another phaser skids away from the group. “You first.”

The squadron leader sighs and shifts her shoulders to show Hikaru a patchwork on her arm. “Continental Guard. ”

“Are there more of you?”

“No,” Westen replies sighing, “We were assigned these ten square blocks.”

Hikaru glances at Jim and Yuki who look like they might be sick for pointing weapons at the good guys so he motions for them to stand down and holsters his own weapon, “We’re Starfleet.”

”What is Starfleet doing out here? Star, being the operative word here.”

Jim rounds the group and joins Hikaru on his right. “We were on shore leave when the Lockdown started, it just got extended.”

“More importantly,” Yuki says, casually disassembling the soldier’s weapon. “What is the Continental Guard doing inland, carrying automatics?”

“Confidential.”

“Like we give a fuck,” Yuki replies to the soldier, dropping the parts of his gun on his face.

The squad leader sighs like she’s disgusted and orders the floor soldier against the wall with the rest of the guys. “And keep your fucking mouth fucking shut, goddamn it. Gentlemen, Miss,” she nods at Yuki, “Let’s talk in the kitchen.”

The kitchen is smaller than any of them expected and the four of them fumble awkwardly to stand in a circle. There’s not even furniture in the room and already, Hikaru and Yuki have bumped into each other and the others. Jim looks between him and the squad leader, and his eyes look like they’re smiling. He was right.

“This is not confidential,” the squad leader begins, “I am Lieutenant Commander Westen, Delta Squadron leader for Operation Habitat, which is absolutely not confidential. We’ve actually been encouraged to engage in civilians during our time in the bay area and do anything to keep them safe.”

“What is the object of Operation Habitat?”

“The Continental Guard is having us go into clean or partially clean neighborhoods and prepare them for resumed habitation. The safety camps the United Terran Armies and the Federation established have done their job, the spread of the infection is nearly eradicated, especially in the bay area, and it now time to reintroduce civilians back to their neighborhoods. We have succeeded in four other major West Coast cities, including Seattle, Los Angeles, and Portland, and countless other smaller towns and cities.”

“You are friendlies,” Yuki says to herself like maybe she can’t quite believe it.

“We are,” Commander Westen smiles. “If it’s not up already, there should be a new transmission on the emergency access channels, stating our presence for all holo receivers within a ten-mile radius.”

“We didn’t get that,” Jim replies and pulls out his PADD, showing her the new recording. “We got some generic Admiral Morrow speech.”

Commander Western frowns at the screen and sighs, exasperated again in three seconds flat. “Goddamn it, I knew Lieutenant Jordan fucked it up. I mean, he was supposed to change the broadcast and all of a sudden, there’s a power outage? His squadron leader needs to know about this, please excuse me.”

“Wait,” Hikaru stops her with a hand to her elbow, her hand already over her comm. “I’m going to have to ask you not to do that.”

She looks startled but Yuki already knows what he means by it and is exiting the room to address Westen’s men. Hikaru shoots Jim a look and Jim nods, following after her. “I recognize,” he begins, “that you claim to be friendly, and we also claim to be friendly, that’s not what’s being disputed here. I cannot have you calling other people until we leave. Regardless of your intentions, I have to protect my people first.”

Commander Westen’s brows climb into her hairline but eventually the doubt soothes and she flips her black hair out of her face. “Fine.”

The binding is easy enough to escape from but all her men bitch about it until Westen silences them. She seems unphased by the binding, kneeling still and silent when they leave. They put the four of them in easily removable thin ropes and blindfolds made of Jim’s shirt. Before they leave, Hikaru says to them, “You need to stop patrolling in this area. My team and I patrol everything in a three mile radius, there are no infected here, just good people who you’re scaring with your smash and save tactics.”

“We didn’t mean to alarm anyone.” one of the soldiers says, head bowed. “We’re just trying to help.”

“Fix the broadcast,” Jim says, “Then leave our three mile radius alone. Trust that we are protecting these people.”

They are silent. “We’ll find you if you’re lying.”

Yuki crouches in front of one of the soldiers and brushes sweat out of his eyes with a handkerchief. “My name is Yuki Sulu, I look forward to hearing from you.”

On the way home, Jim wraps his sweater around his waist. His shirt is suddenly a crop top and Hikaru watches him crouch through the streets, half amused, mostly appreciative.

At home, when they make it through their trapdoor, Hosato and his father are sitting very calmly next to each other with a board game in front of them. Their hairstyles match again and then he realizes they match his hairstyle, too. Hikaru fights them on finishing his watch but once his grandfather raises his voice in Japanese, Hikaru concedes and heads to bed.

“Yuki scared me today,” Jim tells hims in the darkness of their room.

Hikaru hums in question, pulling his shirt over his head. His shoes and pants have been kicked off already, lost in a tangle in the barely-visible floor.

“She’s a badass!” Jim exclaims.

Hikaru snorts, “It runs in the family,” and slips in through the covers.

“It was crazy! I was rooting for her! Have you ever seen her in a fight?”

Hikaru rolls his eyes a bit, “”I’ve fought her.”

“But with other people?”

Hikaru pulls the covers up to his waist, considering, “One time in high school, she fought a guy that was harassing her friend. She almost got expelled because she broke his nose but I mean, my parents fought the school, almost went to court, criminal charges were expunged, it was a whole fucking thing.”

Jim laughs and carries on changing his clothes. The exhaustion settles between his shoulders and Hikaru can feel it shutting his eyes. He can’t remember doing much of anything special today but he supposes he wouldn’t be so tired if he hadn’t.

Jim crawls into bed behind him, arms tucked under Hikaru’s to pull them together tightly. His words almost startle Hikaru but they are soft in his ear, only adding to his comfort. “They are friendlies.”

“Yep,” Hikaru confirms and brings his arm over Jim’s. “I know how much you wanted them to be.”

“I wanted this to end more like. Everything ends, Hikaru.”

Hikaru knows he means that the Lockdown has to come to an end but he doesn’t know what if means for them when it does so he buries the anxiety in his chest. There are friendlies in town, they even cooperated in allowing them escape, this is the end, it has to be, and it has to mean something better is starting.

“I learned that on Tarsus,” he continues, “everything comes to an end, you just have to wait it out sometimes.”

Hikaru tugs Jim’s hand up to kiss his palm. “I’d like to see you confront Pennywise with that line.”

Jim half-laughs half-sobs into his shoulder. “Yuki’ll protect me.”

-

He dreams of a train gunning down empty barren roads, of darkness bleeding in through the windows at sunset, of the horn honking and reverberating through his body. The train speeds up and speeds up until the the black is suffocating him, closing in. The train guns and the air horn sounds over his screaming. The windows crack and he startles awake, his comm is ringing, Jim is standing over him in his boxers, on his own comm already. He looks between Jim and his comm and sits up, fully awake.

Jim turns to him with a smile, comm hanging to the side so he can say, “The Lockdown is over.”

He’s stunned for a moment, and cannot think to lift the comm and answer it but it doesn’t matter because Jim is leaping over him and jumping up and down on the bed, “It’s over! It’s over! It’s over!”

It’s the Warrens on the phone, they were confirming the status of the lockdown with Hikaru and he can hear Jim laughing with them outside the room when he answers it but Hikaru pulls the blanket back over his head and pretends to go back to sleep.

The Continental Lockdown is over. The New England coast is still on quarantine until they can neutralize the last of it, but anything south of Virginia and West of Pennsylvania is fair game. Within a few days and somehow all at once, a truck arrives on their street and lets families off. There are so many people all of a sudden that it’s jarring. Hikaru keeps the door shut until his aunts and uncles are knocking frantically to check on them. Jim watches the panic in his eyes and says he should shower before they see anyone and Jim will take care of things for a while. It’s his watch anyway.

“Yeah,” HIkaru agrees solemnly and trips up the stairs, stripping his clothes as he does so. The funny thing is that the knife his ankle holster had rubbed the skin of his ankle raw. He rubs it slowly in the shower and tries to breathe under a rush of ice-cold water. It’’s over.

He presses his hands into his eyes and showers and shaves in silence. When he cuts himself at the very edge of his jaw, he watches the blood spot and run down his neck in a single thin line until it meets his collarbone and it pools. There’s a knock on the door and his mom is standing outside, smiling and wearing one her famous cardigans. When she sees his face, though, her smile drops. “What’s the matter?”

Hikaru searches for something to say, “I cut myself.”

She pushes him back into the bathroom and makes him sit on the toilet. He protests softly, wearing only a towel around his waist. “I’m basically naked.”

“Hikaru,” she shushes him, “I used to clean poop off your butt, okay,”

He laughs a little and the pull of his skin makes the wound itch. “Okay.”

She doesn’t once ask if he’s okay or if he needs anything from her. She just cleans the cut with a bit of antibacterial cream and makes it stop bleeding and coos at him, affectionately. Once he’s wearing a circular bandaid and she’s finished, she stops him from standing up with some hands on his shoulders and says. “I came up here to ask you to come say hello to your cousins, but I can see that you have other things on your mind so I want you to know something else instead. I want to remind you of something.”

He shuts his eyes against the light over her head and nods. She brushes her fingers through his hair like when he was younger and runs her calloused thumbs over his eyebrows, soothing a headache she can’t possibly know exists. “I am proud of you.” She pauses, “Papa is proud of you.” Her thumbs trace his cheekbones and he doesn’t let himself cry but he can feel the sting in his eyes. “This was not an adventure with some great villain, or a quest, or a mission. You had nothing to prove to anyone. It was not permanent. It was not a vacation. Okay?”

He nods again and she finishes, “It just was. So let it be and let it go.”

He does cry then and lets her words wash over him. He thanks her and hugs her for a long time. When she leaves, he watches her go.

-

The lockdown has been raised for a week when Jim starts running in the mornings again. The fog is more or less lifting away from the inland but there’s plenty of fog free area for Jim to run through, and with Sunny running at his side, they’ll do more than fine. He makes it to the block the Smiths live on, which is nearly no distance if you’re only headed East like he was, until he stops. There’s a figure at the end of the block, approaching rapidly and Jim is advancing with a phaser drawn before he can think it through.

He crouches behind the cars and when the figure is less than five feet away, he turns into their path, phaser aimed directly at their chest. “Identify yourself!”

It’s an elderly woman, walking her dog. “Excuse me?”

From his left, someone says, “Oh, there you are,” someone links arms with him, “Sorry about that ma’am, my friend and I were just playing laser tag and he got away from me.” Sun laughs and guides Jim’s phaser back to his waist and then his holster. “He gets a little caught up.”

The elderly woman looks like she might huff or make a scene but instead she sighs, “I suppose it’s alright.”’

“Thank you, have a good day!” she says and pushes Jim’s shoulders until he’s facing across the street where the Smiths live. “Thank you so much!”

Sun’s hand is on his back, pushing him across the crosswalk until they’re raining the Smith’s doorbell. “What just happened,” he says, mostly to himself.

Sun pats him on the shoulder, “You just need a break, okay, don’t sweat it.”

The Smiths are solid until the grocery stores open again in a few days, they’ve got more than enough rations to keep them well fed and in high spirits. Emma even smiles at him today and talks excitedly about returning to her apartment tomorrow. Hosato and Yoshiko have bonded with her in the time they’ve known her and volunteered to give her a ride back the following day.

They’re sitting in the living room, crowded around a coffee table and some replicated cookies, when his comm rings. He excuses himself and steps into the Smith kitchen to answer the comm. It’s Admiral Bennett, “Good morning, sir.”

“Good morning, Captain Kirk. Have you enjoyed your extended vacation?”

“Nothing quite like a continental lockdown during the zombie apocalypse, sir.”

Admiral Bennett chuckles on the line, “Well put your stockings back on, Captain, your ship is scheduled to depart in exactly three weeks. Report to the Enterprise in three days, gather your people, kiss your pets goodbye.”

Jim feels like dancing and does so, fist bumping around The Smith’s kitchen but keeping his voice steady, “That’s great news sir, thank you very much.”

“Three days, Captain. Bennett out,” he concludes and terminates their link.

-

Hikaru is surrounded by toddler cousins when they get back to the house, one on his knee, another to his left, one on the right and a fourth sitting on the coffee table, trying to get his attention with a piece of paper. He seems to be paying attention to none of them and only muttering along in conversation. Sun nods when he gestures to relieve Hikaru and the toddlers flock her instead.

In the kitchen, Jim crowds Hikaru against the refrigerator and kisses him until they’re both panting for breath, and Jim is biting his lips red though they’re already raw. “What was that about?” Hikaru asks, quietly.

Jim hugs him and buries his nose in Hikaru’s neck, kissing his collarbone occasionally. “The Enterprise is scheduled to leave in three weeks, I have to report to the ship in three days. I just got the call now, they’ll probably send you your assignment by tonight but regardless of when you’re supposed to report for duty, I want you to leave with me in three days.”

Hikaru traces spiderweb patterns on Jim’s arm, “Three days?” He sounds hesitant. “It just ended like a few days ago.”

“Listen,” Jim says, straightening. “Earlier today I pointed a phaser at a poodle, I think I need to get out of here for my good and that’s not usually an instinct I listen to, so trust me that I need to go.” He pauses and licks his lips for a moment, thinking of how to articulate his next sentence. “That’s why I joined Starfleet, actually, the second in a series of desperate acts of self-preservation.”

“And the first?”

Jim smiles wanly, “Tarsus IV.”

“And the third?”

“A hot boy named Hikaru who carries my half-dead body back to a medic and then fucks me like a champion.” Jim laughs and snips at Hikaru’s mouth with his teeth, “Not necessarily in that order.”

“Is there a fourth?” Hikaru asks, laughing a bit.

“This is it. Come with me, we’ll have a mini shore leave of our own in between everyone else arriving.”

“And everyone here--”

“Will be fine without you. Don’t you think?”

In the next room, there is the thudding and crashing characteristic of a room full of toddlers and Sunny’s laughter raining throughout the house. Emi and Aiko were recruited by their mom to go help their aunts settle. Yuki has finally gotten into contact with her best friend, Tessa, who lives in Sector F and it doesn’t have to be that anymore. It doesn’t have to be Sector F.

Hikaru pulls Jim into him, pressing their hips together. “Yeah.”

-

The day they leave, Aiko cries the entire time. They’ve loaded all of their things into the family vehicle and Yuki is waiting in the driver’s seat, wearing a sundress and a flower crown and looking all the more deadly for it. Sun hugs Jim first, “Thanks for helping me with all the stuff that time,” she says, vaguely. “You’re pretty cool. Maybe next time you come visit, I’ll tell you my real name.”

Jim looks down at her, being a full head taller, “Sun’s not your real name?”

She shrugs, “I guess you’ll have to come back to find out.”

He laughs and hugs her again, “Stay out of trouble kid.”

Next in line is Emi, who bestows him the gift of a freshly woven basket, nearly perfect in execution. “To remember me by,” she says. “And to keep your hair clips or something.”

“This is perfect for my hair clips,” he says, laughing, and hugs her goodbye. “Thank you.”

Hosato and Yoshiko hug him at the same time and at first, he’s stiff in their grip until Hosato rubs his back reassuringly and Jim just melts. They part and the two of them speak like twins, “We owe you so much.”

“We’re indebted to you.”

“And yet we know there’s nothing we can do to repay you.”

“So we hope you know that you’re always welcome in our home.”

“Even if you’re on shore leave and Hikaru isn’t, our door is always open.”

“Matter of fact, we’ll organize a family vacation in a year or two, when you’re due back on Earth.”

Jim smiles and tries to take it all in, “Sure, that’d be great.”

Yoshiko hugs him again and Hosato ruffles his hair. Then they say the same thing at the same time, “Bring him back to us.”

“Always.”

They part finally and then Jim shakes hands with HIkaru’s grandfather, who simply says, “Thank you, young man, take care of yourself in your travels.”

“Thank you, sir.”

He reaches Aiko finally, and hugs his shoulders to let Aiko bury his face in his chest. Hikaru rounds from the trunk of the vehicle and lines up to say goodbye to everyone. He catches Jim gaze and nods, as if to say he’ll be there in a minute. In the meantime, Jim crouches at Aiko’s height, clearing his tears. “Don’t worry about us, buddy, we’re going to be fine, okay? I’ve got the best medic in the damn universe and there’s literally not a thing in the world he can’t cure.”

“Jim,” Aiko whispers and then snivels, “Are you really Hikaru’s boyfriend again?”

“Yeah,” Jim nods, “And I really care about him, okay? So I mean, there’s nothing I won’t protect him from.”

“You’ll bring him back?”

“Every time,” he promises and closes the distance between them in another hug.

Hikaru, having said goodbye to everyone in the line, arrives and separates the two, crouching to pick Aiko up into his arms. Aiko clings to him and the wraps his legs around Hikaru’s waist. “When are you coming back?”

Hikaru buries his face in Aiko’s neck and says a bunch of things that nobody else can hear. Jim thinks he looks like a dad leaving his son behind and feels that weight in his stomach again. He wonders if his dad hugged Sam like this before he left.

Yuki beckons him and Jim hops into the car. Hikaru sets Aiko down and he’s laughing now, red-eyed but smiling all the same. Hikaru gets into the back seat by himself and they all shout and wave their goodbyes as the car drives away. He can see Hikaru in the rearview mirror and sees his red eyes but thinks he’d be the same if he were in the situation and so he says nothing.

Yuki leaves them at the gate outside of the Starfleet HQ campus where the Enterprise is docked. She punches Jim goodbye and throws Hikaru a peace sign and then peels away. Jim hefts the bag over his shoulder and nods to where the Enterprise towers over all other buildings.

“We’re home, babe.”

Hikaru is watching Yuki drive away, until her car is gone past the horizon. Once it’s gone, he turns to Jim with his mouth quirked in a grin. In the reflection of his aviators, Jim can only see the sky. He slides them down Hikaru’s face and kisses him without obstruction. It feels like their first kiss with the stillness of it, the warmth of Hikaru’s breath against his mouth as if releasing tension. They part, Hikaru gazing at him with eyes dark as night and as radiant as the stars. Jim thinks he loves that.

Suddenly, his eyes widen and Hikaru stutters, “I--I love you,” as if he’s just now figuring it out.

Jim laughs and nods, “Yeah, dude.”

And that’s that.

-


End file.
